EVEN WHEN I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT

There are times that I think this whole thing is a crazy fantasy. Am I delusional; convincing myself that there's a God and He cares about me? I have read that children who come from dysfunctional homes (wow, that could be a lot of us) have trouble establishing Christian roots. Our roots will attempt to reach for living water, but when we bump into a 'rock,' we recoil. Recoil, I suppose from fear, from the unknown, from desertion.
As one would imagine, that fear can make our relationship with God struggle. I like to use the messed-up analogy of a 'magic-trick' God. If I perform correctly, of if I don't sin (ha) then He will smile down upon me and grant my wishes and desires.
My personal habit is to have a fight with my husband, or start feeling a little inferior, and stomp away from God like an insolent school girl. Depending on the severity of God's alleged wrongdoing, my pout can last from a day to two weeks. Then, I reach my breaking point, where I realize that He's the only one who can truly save me, and I'm back on my knees, reaching upward like a wayward daughter begging for forgiveness. Of course, the truth is, one apology and all is forgiven. That's the beauty of having God as my Father.
This is an old story of struggling with faith, I know. However, for the person who has yet to reach for and accept a relationship with God, this can seem like an insurmountable task. For the independent types who don't want to fellowship with other people, who can they talk to? Establishing trust and dependence is getting harder and harder in this dog eat dog world.
In Jeremiah 17.9, God asks, "The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?" To that I say Amen! I have a deceitful heart, and I know that now.

AND MY POINT IS...

Only God knows my heart. Only when I rely on Him can I find true peace, regardless of the circumstances. Life doesn't become rosy and trouble-free for the saved, it just gets a dramatic facelift. Instead of looking at life with all its ups and downs alone and head on, we look up to the heavens, and He gives us the strength, love and encouragement to get through life.
I don't have to feel anything, I just have to go through life knowing that God has my back. We humans have a habit of living life through our feelings. If you need an example, look at your local liquor store, the meth labs that are taking over America, or the television. If it feels good, do it, right? Well, no actually. Who gave us the right to run rampant doing whatever we feel like? If that's the way you live, that's cool. I just wonder how long the rollercoaster ride will last before you want to get off. I needed to get off when the hangovers outweighed the good times.

Enough with the lecture. I'll let God answer His own question, from Jeremiah 17.10, "I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give each man according to his ways, According to the results of his deeds."
So, to hear God tell it, He knows our hearts. He's the one who understands our motives, desires, and grieves. He tells us that if we seek Him first, and do things His way, than we will be rewarded. Maybe not here, not now. But I know I need to trust Him and keep my eyes focused on Him. My heart will follow. Think about it.