The Holy Roar of our God

Roar-
1 a: to utter or emit a full loud prolonged sound b: to sing or shout with full force
2: to proceed or rush with great noise or commotion


From the first posting on this blog, I made an oath to myself and my readers to be as open and honest as I needed to be in order to write the Truth. This posting will be no different.

When a friend commented that I had not posting lately, and that I had been posting sporadically at best, it affirmed the thoughts that had been mulling around in my head for a couple of weeks. If I wanted to be a writer that used her words to convey both the beauty and the messiness of being a child of the Redeemer, I would need to naked in those words. Not using my forum to recklessly put myself at danger or to reveal more than is necessary, but use the truth of my stories to demonstrate the sometimes messiness of living the Christian life while still bringing God glory. It is with this intent that I write about the thoughts I have been having lately.

‘And now, God, do it again-
Bring rains to our drought-stricken lives
So those who planted their crops in despair
Will shout hurrahs at the harvest,
So those who went off with heavy hearts
Will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing.’ (Psalm 126.4-6)

I have been depressed lately. I was diagnosed with depression about five years ago. It was shortly after I became a Christian. Apparently, when I stripped away all the drugs and alcohol, I plummeted inside myself and became rather sad. I was blessed at the time with both a wonderful Christian mentor and a Christian doctor and they both were able to speak truth into my life. I felt as if I had done something wrong, as if I was not ‘saved’ enough. They were gentle but firm in telling me that rather than my drug use had caused my depression, it was more likely that my drug use was my way of medicating my depression. So, I had not ruined myself or my mental health entirely on my own.

‘But you, God, shield me on all sides;
You ground my feet, you life my head high;
With all my might I shout up to God,
His answers thunder from the holy mountain.’ (Psalm 3.3-4)

Well, that wonderful doctor started me on two medications, and I had been relatively fine since then. On occasion, I would become a little sad, but nothing I could not pray and wait out. Fast-forwarding to a couple of months ago, I asked my new doctor if I could experiment with a new anti-depressant that also was known to help with pain relief. We tried that, but it made me extremely tired, and so he took me off that medication. We decided to switch back to one of the old medications, but he left off the other one. Because I have never been thrilled with being on any medication, I thought I would just go with the one and see if I could remove some of my dependence on anti-depressants.

I started noticing the change a few weeks ago. At work, I would purposely hide from the populated parts of the building. At church, I would attempt to go in with blinders on, making as little small talk as possible. I have been avoiding a call to my mentor and best friend. I became more irritable with family, hollering at my kids with little provocation needed. I put my big plan with some friends on a writing project on hold without saying a word to them about it. When our family went to Kentucky, I found myself staying in our hotel room watching television rather than socializing with the other parents. I avoided Facebook and rather than bring a friend back her book I left it in her mailbox.

‘We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next.’ (Romans 5.3)

Throughout this, I attempted to pray. Perhaps it sounded more like muttering, groaning, and disparaging, but I tried to keep an open line with God. Finally, today, I went back to the doctor. We got the medications figured out to my satisfaction. I know the relief is not immediate, but I already feel a peace knowing this will soon start to pass. I also have the peace in knowing God is all right with my need for medications here on earth. I know it will not last forever.

‘God is a safe place to hide,
Ready to help when we need Him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
Courageous in seastorm and earthquake,
Before the rush and roar of oceans,
The tremors that shift mountains.
God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protect us.’ (Psalm 46.1-3)

When I was in the hospital a year and a half ago in a coma, my mentor had many hundreds of people praying for my family and me. One man in particular stayed up all night and had some divine visions from the Lord. He was witness to a spectacular (his word) spiritual battle. According to him, the battle raged all night. Early the next morning, the Lord’s army was victorious. According to my husband and the doctors, I happened to stabilize for the first time the same time that morning as well.

‘But those who want the best for me,
Let them have the last word-a glad shout!-
And say over and over and over,
‘God is great-everything works
Together for good for His servant.’
I’ll tell the world how great and good you are,
I’ll shout hallelujah all day, every day.’ (Psalm 35.27-28)

I am grateful that other ‘real’ Christians surround me too. Ones that are not afraid to show the messiness of their own lives on occasion. To them I extend an apology and this writing as a confession of my own messiness. I am grateful to God for another way to demonstrate His glory.

‘Let me shout God’s name with a praising song,
Let me tell His greatness in a prayer of thanks.’ (Psalm 69.30)