Finding Freedom

Constrain:

-to repress or restrain
-to force, compel or oblige
-to press together

See also: control

I was not one to be constrained or controlled when I was younger. Those words were in fact an anathema to my very being. I rejected the thought at all costs.

I think it started because my mother was very controlling. She believed that by controlling her child she could control the world that was collapsing all around her. She couldn’t handle a cheating husband, or poverty, so she held me down with an iron fist.

I inevitably escaped because I thought I was in love. Typical typecasting for a troubled teenager. A ‘prince’ comes in and rescues the damsel in distress from her wicked mother.

I thought I was rescued too. He was much older; dangerously older, though I did not recognize it at the time. He cared for me and helped release me from my miserable life. Unfortunately, he brought along other vices that would control me for years to come.

I tried very hard not to let another person ever control or constrain me again. After the many struggles throughout my life; I believed I was the only one capable of making decisions in my life’s story. Of course this caused untold numbers of conflicts with my then fiancé. The trouble with me trying to control my life based on my choices was troubling to him as we had two children to raise together.

My solution was simple; he could raise the kids and I could be free to pursue some sort of life that would make me happy. I wanted to be free, solo, alone. With no one to tell me anything I didn’t want to hear.

Of course we now know what happened; Jesus Christ. He invaded every aspect of my life all at once. He infiltrated my heart and my head and consumed every one of my thoughts. My world now seemed to revolve around this invisible God who I had just turned control of my life over to.

How on earth could this ever work? I had worked so carefully for so long to build strong walls of insulation and protection, just to open them up again. I wanted life on my terms, and now that wasn’t going to happen.

I tried. With terrific gumption and struggle I tried to regain ground from the One who had staked His flag on my heart as to claim it for His own. But when I tried I ended up like Jeremiah, who exclaimed the words I was feeling, “But if I say, ‘I will not mention his word or speak anymore in his name,’ his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.’” (20:9)

I attempted to return to parts of my old life; books and music mostly. But the things I used to like were not only dim, but dark and very unattractive. There was no escaping the one who had penetrated every fiber of my soul.

So, bit by bit I began to surrender to the control He had requested. However, it wasn’t the control I was expected; the way humans attempt to control one another. The control was much more gentle; more of a heart-capturing rather than a manipulation.

In a way, it’s like the love I have for my husband. If I want him to be happy, I will fulfill and honor his needs and acquiesce to his requests. The key to a great relationship of course is giving over of one’s self to another. If I was secretive and controlling of every part of myself, there would be no room to bend to another. Thusly, both I and my husband constrain ourselves to one another. Both of us sacrifice of ourselves and give of ourselves to the other as a sign of our loyalty and love for each other. And it has to be both parties in the relationship. If I was the one giving all of me, then the relationship would be manipulative and exploitative.

Well, should it not be so much more with Jesus? After all, this coming weekend we celebrate the God of the universe inclining His ear to us all the way to the point of sending His Son to earth. His Son walked amongst us for a while and then died so that we might be saved. For me to imagine Father and Son giving birth to this idea of radical reconciliation only brings tears of unworthiness. I call that giving and sacrificing to a degree that no human could ever fathom the idea of accomplishing.

But, there’s a silver lining for our frail and selfish hearts to cling to. If we allow our hearts to fall deeply in love with the One who so passionately loves our souls, then we too can constrain ourselves to Him. We find unfathomable joy in serving the Lord who rejoices over us with singing and quiets us with His love. (Zephaniah 3:17)

And in the end, it becomes a sacrifice of our concept of freedom that brings a freedom that is immeasurable on earth. A freedom that consists of broken bondage; rejoicing that the old is gone and the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17) A freedom that shouts from the mountaintops, ‘I am my Beloved, and my Beloved is mine.” A freedom that comes from the knowledge that we are not here by accident, and we are not His by accident. And a freedom that tells our very hearts and souls, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20)


“Either way, Christ's love controls us. Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life.”


“For the love of the Christ constrains us, having judged this: that one died for all, then all have died;”


…and he died for all, that they who live should no longer live to themselves, but to him who died for them and has been raised. (2 Corinthians 5:14-15