Monday, June 20, 2011

Closer

I went to a Christian music festival a few weeks ago for the sole purpose of seeing one artist; Shawn McDonald. I have been drawn to his music from the first time I heard it a couple of years ago. I like it because of the melody and the rapid-fire way he says portions of his lyrics. But I am drawn to it because he sings from a deep well that resides within him.

I checked out his story; troubled childhood, drugs, destitution. He cried out to God and God answered him in a profound way. As God did when I cried out to Him. I can appreciate the blunt honesty that I find in Shawn’s work.

So, I went because I had never heard him live and I wanted to check out the experience. I went close to the stage when he came on; because I wanted to be in the music, rather than in my lawn chair hundreds of yards back.

He sang some of his popular songs, and a few new ones. Then he performed the song ‘Closer.’ I must have listened to that song hundreds of times before I heard him perform it live. It never gets old for me. I like the message in the song and I like the way it is arranged.

So, I’m up close to the stage when the song begins;

Looking for a color in a shade of gray

Looking for love in a drop of rain

Trying to find change from the old mundane

Everything I do just feels the same

Spending my life out in the desert

Been gone so long feels like forever


I have been seeking a change from the mundane for a while now. I feel like I am resting in my life with Christ rather than actively seeking Christ and reaching out as His arms. I don’t feel this way in my ministry with Timber Bay. I can see the Holy Spirit alive and well when I am with them. We finished a bible study on the book of Revelation last week and while none of us felt a complete understanding of the book, we did do a lot of searching and seeking into God. As many of my girls graduate, I have been working on a Devotional to give them when they go to college in the fall. None of the ones in the bookstores seem to apply, so I am writing my own.

Anyhow, it’s the rest of my spiritual life that is feeling lackluster. Far too introspective and not enough sacrificially giving of myself. So, in response my prayer life begins to dry up and I start feeling like I’m in the desert too.

I just want to be closer to you

I just want to be closer, I am yours

You can have all of me anything, everything

I just want to be closer


The Teen Challenge Choir was at the festival that day as well. They had performed in the morning and hung out for the rest of the day. There were several people in their Teen Challenge shirts up by the stage when I was standing there. I was watching them raise their arms to God while singing these lyrics and I was devastated. It will never stop amazing me how God can bring lives full circle into what He desires for them. Shawn McDonald was living a life of destruction and God redeemed him for His glory. The Teen Challenge people and I were able to relate to him because God had redeemed us from a life of destruction as well.

A day without you is a thousand years

A day without you is a million tears

Tell me why do I run when I am in fear

Why do I run when you are so near

Spending my life out in the weather

Been gone so long and I need some shelter


My days without Christ were a thousand years and a million tears. I was cleaning out my room the other day and I saw some pictures from my ‘old life.’ I looked at my son as a baby and realized how much of his life I missed. I was there, but I wasn’t really there. I’ll never get those days back. My primal instinct is still to run when I dig too deep; to run in fear from true redemption when He’s already here. I still feel sometimes like I’m on the precipice of God turning away from me because I’m not what He was expecting.

Where ever you go

Where ever you are

I just want be there with you

I just want to be closer to you

I just want to be closer

I am yours

You can have all of me anything everything

I just want to be closer

I just want to be closer to you
I just want to be closer

I am yours

You can have all of me anything, everything

I just want to be closer


So I’m up by the stage, singing along with Shawn and the crowd. The Teen Challenge people are singing and worshipping and it moves me. I watch my daughter worship and it tears me up. God’s redeeming power and love tears me up. As I’m singing the chorus lyrics I feel God trying to impress on me some hard truths that I’ve still been thinking about since that day at the fest.

‘Do you really mean what you’re singing?’ “Are you willing to give Me all of you?’ Are they just lyrics that sound good, or am I willing to surrender so completely that I turn myself over to God in order to truly be closer to Him?  Will I do whatever it takes?

Well, the answer from my Spirit was such an intense shower of tears that my daughter’s friend was starting to get concerned. But for me, it was a washing away of myself and my flesh and a turning toward my Creator. I really do want Him to have everything of me. I’m sick of calling myself a Christian and not living it the way I feel it should be lived. I’m tired of being comfortable and I want to be uncomfortable and completely His. I’m sick to death of thinking that the days are getting shorter and shorter and I’m not doing everything I can to further His name.

My conclusion to all of this is this; God redeemed me from a life of complete hell. I was on the edge of destruction in all of my relations and quite possibly my life. I have no other option then to give Him everything and anything because none of it’s mine anyway.

Looking for a color in the shade of gray

Looking for love in a drop of rain


Without being closer to Christ, without giving Him everything and holding nothing back, it is truly a life of looking for wholeness that I will never find. Ultimately, I just want to be closer.

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Things I hope you take with you when you graduate(a note for my graduating Timber Bay seniors):

I know I’ll keep seeing you over the summer, but with the busyness of life and future planning that will be going on, we might not have a chance to talk like we can here.  So, as our last Timber Bay of the year, I wanted to talk about the things I hope you take with you when you leave us.

First and most importantly, I hope you have a secure sense of who you are in Christ.  I hope you’ve heard us explain how to have an eternal relationship with your Creator.  I hope you have heard from us how He has pursued you with a love that you will never experience here on earth.  I hope you have heard us tell you how simple it can be to lay down your struggles to make it on your own and give in to the One who can hold you up when you fall.

I hope you have heard my story.  I hope you remember the struggles I had at your age, the poor choices and decisions I made and that you remember that any advice I gave you was from that perspective.  I have never just told you not to do something because I didn’t want you to have what you thought would be fun; I spoke from experience.  I also hope that you remember that my story ends with God restoring my life and my family.  To remember that when I surrendered my pen to God to write my story, He had a much better role for me to fill.  That when I gave Him all the pieces, He was able to fit them much better than I ever could.  And to remember that there is nothing that He cannot forgive if you ask Him.

I hope you have heard us pray.  I hope you have heard how simple it can be to have a relationship and a conversation with Jesus Christ.  How it doesn’t have to have a script, or have any special words; but rather, He just wants you to talk with Him like a friend and a constant companion.  I hope you remember that I told you to always remember that He’s not a magic trick to pull out when you want something.  That sometimes prayer isn’t answered immediately, and sometimes no answer is His answer.

I hope that you have learned that the Bible isn’t something to be intimidated by.  To know that you can open it up and hear from God every time. I hope you have learned that it is the most tangible connection we can have to God, that it is just as important today than it was the day it was written, and that He can and will speak to you from the pages.  Always remember that it is full of stories from people who are just like you are; they were human, they made mistakes, and some of them accomplished great things for God.

I hope you know that I will always be there for you.  That I am a phone call or a Facebook message away if you want to talk about something, or just say Hi.  I have invested time in this relationship because I care for you and love you.  And it’s really important to keep in touch with people you care about.

I hope you know that you have a future ahead of you.  That you can rise above your circumstances.  God has a plan for each of us.  He designed us a certain way for a reason.  He’s given you talents and abilities that He will use if you let Him. 

Finally, I hope you always remember how blessed I have been to know each one of you and spend time with you.  Thank you for the laughs and the tears. And for all of the memories that I have of each of you. 


We may throw the dice, but the LORD determines how they fall. - Proverbs 16.33