The rest of the story

Rest:
2: to cease from action or motion: refrain from labor or exertion 3: to be free from anxiety or disturbance 4: to sit or lie fixed or supported 5a: to remain confident: trust

This past Friday was the year anniversary of my Next Chance. I cannot force myself to use clichés like ‘brush with death,’ or ‘near-death experience,’ so I will settle on something that sounds important; like Next Chance.

I need a title that sounds important, because that is practically the only thing that it looks like I can salvage from the past year. I cannot say that I wrote a book about my walk with Jesus while I was in a coma. I cannot say I saw ‘the light’ and that God spoke to me and told me He had a mission for me to accomplish.

A brief recap: a year ago an accidental prescription drug overdose caused me to have a stroke. I was in a coma for a while, and spent a month in the hospital. After that, I spent another month in various stages of rehabilitation. In the early days after the stroke, the doctors told my husband that I may not make it.

Well, I made it. And during that year, I cannot say anything in my life has significantly changed. Sure, I went back to school for a few classes. But I dropped out again, as I felt God was impressing upon me that school was not where He wanted me. I apparently do not need a master’s degree to do His work, nor do I need to prove to anyone that I can accomplish the task.

I fell back into a routine of wifedom and motherhood, and as I am appreciative of being in their lives more than ever, I cannot say I have become better at either. I am writing again, but I have not spent the last year writing the book that I know remains trapped inside of me.

So then, now how shall I live?

I am positive that the lord does not want me wallowing in self-pity. I am confident that I remain a maintenance person because I have something yet to learn. Perhaps what I need to learn is our word for the week: rest. I am yet ‘to be free from anxiety or disturbance.’ I cannot say with confidence that I ‘sit supported.’ I have a difficult time allowing myself to be supported by Jesus. Finally, I struggle ‘to remain confident.’

The plain fact of the deal is that God allowed me to live because He wanted to. He left me here because of the fervent prayers of hundreds of people. He left me here because it was His good pleasure to. He did not leave me here because He needs me to do something, because God does not need us to do anything. Perhaps there is something He wants me to do, but He will continue to wait patiently until I more satisfactorily die to myself. Until I realize living for Jesus does not necessarily have to live up to my agenda.

He can do this because I believe that the Lord is the consummate ‘rester.’ I realize that is not a word per se, but He is one that truly knows how to rest. God is continually waiting for all of us to work through our own issues and sin, listening to us cry and wail and complain, knowing in Himself how much He loves us and only wants to pour that love on us.

My mentor has been wrestling with a verse from the Psalms for what seems like forever. “Be still, and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46.10) I think a lot of us struggle with that verse. How can we be still when we have minds and wills of our own? The answer? Rest.

“Message of God, the Master. On the day I scrub you clean from all your filthy living, I’ll also make your cities livable. The ruins will be rebuilt. The neglected land will be worked again, no longer overgrown with weeds and thistles, worthless in the eyes of passersby. People will exclaim, ‘Why, this weed patch has been turned in a Garden of Eden! And the ruined cities, smashed into oblivion, are now thriving!’ The nations around you that are still in existence will realize that I, God, rebuild ruins and replant empty waste places. I, God, said so, and I’ll do it.” Ezekiel 36.33-36-The Message

I realize that these verses are actually talking about the restoration of Israel, but I know that God was speaking at me through these verses tonight. HE will be the restorer of nations and HE will be the restorer of people. It may seem like God is neglecting me for not, but that is obviously not the case. I am on His mind, and I will be 'worked again.' God was given the glory of bringing me back to life and health. Jesus has taken the weight of my sin, my weeds and thistles, and He is in the process of continuing the work He has started in me.
I just need to rest.