free indeed

Before you say anything, I already know.  This is supposed to be a weekly installment, and I have not been living up to my end of the bargain.  And to that, all I can say is that I am a weak, sorry individual sometimes.  If a person had a gambling addiction, he would stay out of the casinos, right?  And if a person had an addiction to shopping, the Mall of America might be something she should avoid.  Well, I like to convince myself that at the end of a long day, my mind needs a break.  So I convince myself that the latest episode of CSI will not be that gruesome, or that I just have to find out what’s going on in the world of media bias, and then I lose myself to the television.  I keep saying ‘just one more show’ and I don’t even have cable, so you can imagine just how desperate I can become.  Let’s just say I catch many episodes of ‘Friends’ the early years during the night.

See, that’s just like I was saying last time.  Shouldn’t God wipe every earthly desire away from my life?  Shouldn’t I be able to focus on Him and Him alone? And that my friend, is the whole gist of what I like to call ‘The Rub.’

The first part of ‘The Rub’ is this; I cannot follow Jesus by my own strength!  I was missing that whole key when I wrote the last time.  I had (horribly) managed my own life before Christ; therefore, I assumed I needed to run it after Christ.  And let me tell you, it is tough to give up the reigns.  No one ever looked out for this number one before.  So, Jesus being the One who wants a relationship rather than a brainwashing (we are definitely not brainwashed) waits patiently for us to get out of the way; to realize we are utterly incapable of living for Him on our own.  You would think someone like me would know that without being bonked on the head with it, but I did not.  It took many sadly failed attempts for me to figure it out.

Look at what the apostle Paul has to say about human control vs. Jesus.  
“Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life.  Those who trust God’s action in them find that God’s Spirit is in them-living and breathing God.  Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life.  Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God.  Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God.  That person ignores who God is and what he is doing.  And God isn’t pleased at being ignored.” –Romans 8.5-8

See-rather than having God work through me, I was working God through myself.  I applied all kinds of rules to my life, and abhorred anyone who did not live up to my new standards.  I was a mess until I figured this out.  And I still tend to forget from time to time.

The other part of “The Rub’ is this; I would miss out on God’s amazing work in my life if I were to forget my past.  My story has God’s hand all over it.  He saved my life, and for what?  So I could turn into some sort of Christian and deny the legacy God had written for me?  Or, could I turn the nightmarish way I was living into a glorious story of redemption in Christ?  

I need to remember my past so that I may impact someone’s future.  That’s God’s beautiful cosmic recycling plan for the ages.  Like a phoenix rising from the ashes.


“You’re no longer wandering exiles.  This kingdom of faith is now you home country.  You’re no longer strangers or outsiders.  You belong here, with as much right to the name Christian as anyone.  God is building a home.  He’s using us all-irrespective of how we got here-in what he is building.  He used the apostles and prophets for the foundation.  Now he’s using you, fitting you in brick by brick, stone by stone, with Christ Jesus as the cornerstone that holds all the parts together.  We see it taking shape day after day- a holy temple built by God, all of us built into it, a temple in which God is quite at home.” –Ephesians 2.19-22

See, I told you there would be a happy ending.  You just had to be patient.  

captive...or not?

“If anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation, old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new!”
-2 Corinthians 5.17


These last few weeks have been devastating for me.  I have been going through various trials and struggles one after another. If you were to think of a typical area of life, I would almost surely have a problem in it.  It seems like I am running out of the energy to ‘run the race set before us’ as Paul says in the Bible.  I have, and will always struggle with my various addictions; I accept that.  But if Jesus broke the chains (and I know He did) and set this captive free, why do I feel so trapped?

I add to life’s difficulties with two major issues of my own.  First of all, I believed the verse above meant that life would immediately become smooth sailing when I gave my life to Christ.  If you have been reading my postings for a while, you will know by now that my life before Christ was a living hell.  I was trapped in a world of drugs and lust and I could not see a way out.  When Jesus extended a hand to pull me out of the sewer, I naively assumed life would immediately become a walk in the park. I thought that finally, beyond belief, those horrible chapters of my life were closed forever.  Perhaps I even thought Jesus would be kind enough to ‘erase’ my brain of every horrible thing I had ever experienced.  I had become ‘new,’ hadn’t I?

My other problem is a direct relation to the first.  When I stumbled out of my drug and sexual sin fog, I was blindsided by reality.  I could fill notebooks with problems I needed to correct, and the damage around me seemed to be catastrophic. I did not know which way to turn first.  I needed to reprogram my children; erase their memories of the past.  I needed to rediscover my husband, and start repairing the damage I had created.  I needed to repay loans, seek forgiveness; clean up my act.  Since it did not appear that Jesus would be making me as ‘new’ as I had wished, I would have to do it all myself.
See, up until Jesus, the drugs had numbed me to a point of complacency.  If my children were acting rotten, I would numb myself.  If my husband were mad at me again, I would numb myself.  Didn’t have enough money to pay the bills; well, you get the idea. Not only that, but I had an alternate life I could sneak away to and forget all about mine. There, I was witty, pretty and glamorous (ha.) I had lost touch with everything and now time seemed to be running out.  I had a lot of catching up to do.  

To sum up-every one of my twenty-eight years of life came slamming into my back when I was saved.  Sometimes, it got to the point where it did not really feel like I was ‘saved’ from anything.  Oh sure, there is the eternal life thing, but where’s the benefit on this earth?

Is there any hope at all?

I am glad you asked!  Despite the way it all sounds now, I have some Great News for you!  This story is about to have a turn for the better.  Catch the next installment for details!