Murmuring to myself


1: a half-suppressed or muttered complaint: grumbling
2 a: a low indistinct but often continuous sound b: a soft or gentle utterance
3: an atypical sound of the heart typically indicating a functional or structural abnormality


I am not going to do any research to write this blog tonight. I am going to write this from the heart, from which I have been hearing atypical sounds.

No, I am not having heart trouble; at least not heart trouble that requires a doctor. Rather, I am having heart troubles trying to reconcile two sides of myself that at first glance appear to be diametrically opposed.

A good friend said something to me today that has been resonating in my head and heart since she said it. I had said to her that I thought I was destined to work in food service for the rest of my life. I made that comment because I had went on a job interview the week prior for a food service position. I was again in a desperate search to find anything to get me out of the janitor profession I have found myself in for the past four years. As I had been in food service since the age of fourteen, it seemed like a logical choice to return to the scene of the crime as it were and fulfill my destiny.

It was not to be. I did not get the job, and again found myself with toilet brush in hand. This is where the friend appeared with sage words for my broken heart. She said that when she heard me say that food service was my destiny, she thought otherwise. She said that she had always thought that writing was my destiny.

Her statement caused me to pause. Immediately my brain began to race on the track it has been on for years. Every single aptitude test, every personality test, every person I have met has come to the same conclusion; that I should be a writer. (If this is your first time reading my blog, try some other selections that perhaps could back up said claim. This may be gibberish.)

The funny thing? I know all of this. I hear God tell me to buckle down and write ALL THE TIME. However, I come up with objections to His prompting all the time as well. ‘In this economy, who can afford to buy a book?’ ‘I don’t deal well with rejection,’ ‘What would possess people to read what I have to write?’ and most importantly, ‘What would I write about?’

That last question is what is causing the heart murmur. For starters, God has written a remarkable story of His grace and mercy with my life. (See prior blog postings for details.) Secondly, I have two passions in life, both of which I have come to believe are fueled by God. My first passion is Jesus. My life for the past nine years has been spent getting to know Him, worshipping Him, and continually praising Him. He has given me a desire to introduce Him to people who would otherwise feel left out of ‘traditional’ Christianity.

My second passion is politics. Now the word politics is a mouthful of a word that conjures up many ideas, thoughts and yes, even prejudices. I am well aware of that, and yet the passion persists. I reflect on a passage from the Talmud, “God made people because God loves stories.”

I reflect on what the psalmist had to say about idols, “The idols of the nations are silver and gold, made by the hands of men. They have mouths, but cannot speak, eyes, but they cannot see; they have ears, but cannot hear, nor is there breath in their mouths. Those who make them will be like them and so will all who trust in them.” Psalm 135: 15-18

I reflect on what Russian writer and poet Boris Pasternak wrote, “It is not revolutions and upheavals that clear the road to new and better days, but someone’s soul inspired and ablaze.”

I have been attempting to reconcile my two passions for a while now. I have struggled to remove myself from the political landscape, only to fail miserably. Instead, I have been tempering politics with a healthy and steady dose of Jesus. Thus enters the final murmuring.

I hear Jesus in the nightly news. I hear His truths and message unwittingly mixed into commentaries and speeches. I also hear His truths being distorted by people who would call His message old or intolerant.

So, how many people are being led astray by politics in these shortened and increasingly evil days? How many people hear the news and the politicians speak and despair?

Personally, I think it would be irresponsible to ignore what is going on in the world and continually focus inward. We all need to know the truth that is being spoken, and the truth that is hiding behind the lies.

Finally, I reflect on some things that Jesus said to His disciples as He was preparing to be crucified. He told them some things to focus on how life would be after He left them.

"If you love me, obey my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor, who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world at large cannot receive him, because it isn't looking for him and doesn't recognize him. But you do, because he lives with you now and later will be in you.” John 14.15-17

I like the way The Message version of the Bible phrases these next verses:
"Judas (not Iscariot) said, "Master, why is it that you are about to make yourself plain to us but not to the world?" "Because a loveless world," said Jesus, "is a sightless world. If anyone loves me, he will carefully keep my word and my Father will love him - we'll move right into the neighborhood! Not loving me means not keeping my words. The message you are hearing isn't mine. It's the message of the Father who sent me. John 14.22-24

"I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid.” John 14.27

Jesus tells those of us who believe that we have the Holy Spirit to guide us. He tells us that the world at large cannot receive Him because it does not recognize Him. He tells us that our loveless world is a sightless world. He tells us that our peace is not as the ‘peace’ the world provides.

And so it goes. I find myself not grumbling as one of the definitions for murmur lists, but rather listening to the soft and gentle utterances I am hearing, and sharing them with whoever chooses to listen.

“For the grace of God has been revealed, bringing salvation to all people. And we are instructed to turn from godless living and sinful pleasures. We should live in this evil world with self-control, right conduct, and devotion to God, while we look forward to that wonderful event when the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be revealed. He gave his life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us his very own people, totally committed to doing what is right.
You must teach these things and encourage your people to do them, correcting them when necessary. You have the authority to do this, so don't let anyone ignore you or disregard what you say.” Titus 2.11-14