brush

Screaming Trees-Shadow of the Season

The hour is ending, can’t you see
There is no way now, to get free
In the shadow of the season

Without a reason, to carry on
Without a reason, without a reason

And from the north woods
Down to the valley
In a world of hurting,
I’m moving on
And from the lighthouse
Out on the ocean
Can’t climb the mountain, so very tall

Said Lord please give me what I need
He said there’s pain and misery
Oh sweet oblivion feels alright

The hour is drawing ever closer
And rolling over, won’t let me be
In the shadow of the season
To find a reason, to carry on

Said Lord please give me what I need
He said there’s pain and misery
Oh sweet oblivion

She calls me onward to her side
And feels her song deep inside
And find a reason

In the shadow of the season
To find a reason to carry on
In the shadow of the season
To find a reason to carry on
Find a reason to carry on
To carry on
To find a reason to carry on
To carry on

Oblivion-the state of being completely forgotten. That is what my handy dictionary says anyway.
This is not a Christian song. This is from a band I loved during my college years. Still do, actually. It is one of the few bands I retained when I became a Christian. I listened to some rather intense rock, and it was very angry. This band has such an incredible sound that they are hard to give up. I have the pleasure of listening to the CD while I write this. It brings back memories.
I tried to walk a straight path in college. I studied, and I excelled in everything I did. However, something was still missing, and nothing could help me avoid the empty space inside me. I found my initial release in a little music store down the road from my dorm. The first time I walked in there, I thought I was in music heaven. They sold used tapes, and for a college girl, the price was right. It allowed me to find new music I might not have otherwise.
This CD makes me thing of something else though; about the invisible wounds that are walking right past us all the time. I loved this song, I look at the lyrics now, and I think about how many of us have felt the same at one time or another. Why did I love this tape? The answer is because I could relate. The songwriter asks the Lord for what he needs and the Lord’s reply is that there’s nothing but pain and misery.
What’s not to believe in that statement? I have certainly experienced more than my share of pain and misery in my life. I have accumulated wounds from myself and wounds from others. How can we find a way to carry on?
My invisible wound is my childhood. I was abused both physically and mentally for most of my youth. It doesn’t disappear with time. It comes back in the oddest of times; when I am trying to relate to a friend, or when someone is going through remorse; with both situations, I freeze up. Some of my emotions and reactions to life have been damaged and that is something that I have to deal with in my life.
But is the answer to seek oblivion? Is the answer to blame God for misery and wallow in it until the end? Is the answer to fill the wound with drugs, sex and alcohol? Is the answer to achieve the American Dream and hide behind it? None of those helped me to permanently escape.
The sweetest paradox to Christianity for me is undeserved forgiveness. I went through my life not deserving the abuse I was handed. My life dragged on day after day, and it was hard to see the end. So, now this Christianity appears on the scene and I find out that I do not deserve anything.
Ah, but thankfully it does not end there. It turns out Jesus wants to give me forgiveness, and mercy and eternal life. I do not have to choose oblivion. God does not hand me pain and misery. Life is not all roses, but it is certainly not oblivion.
I am not angry. Instead, I feel release, peace. What is temporary trouble when eternity is right around the corner?
I think I will leave the ending up to Paul tonight. How about 2 Corinthians 5.16-20

“…We don’t evaluate people by what they have or how they look, we looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly do not look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone, a new life burgeons! Look at it. All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between him and us. And then called us to sell our relationships with teach other. God put the world square with Himself through the Messiah, giving the world’s fresh state by offering forgiveness of sin”

How can I stay angry when Jesus offers to take the pain upon Himself? How can I remain oblivious to the truth? How can you? Think about it.

rescue me

Rescue is Coming-David Crowder Band

There’s darkness in my skin
My cover’s wearing thin, I believe
I’d love to start again, go back to innocent, and never leave

Don’t give up now
A break in the clouds
We could be found

There’s nothing wrong with me
It’s just that I believe things could get better
And there’s nothing wrong with love
I think it’s just enough to believe

Rescue is coming
Rescue is coming
Rescue is coming
Rescue is coming

And there’s nothing wrong with you and nothing left to do
But believe something bigger
And there’s nothing wrong with love
I know it’s just enough to believe

Don’t give up now
A break in the clouds
We will be found

Rescue is coming now

Well, here we are, week whatever of my song lyrics series. I am still enjoying this immensely, and I hope you are too! I think I will continue doing this series for a while yet. I just wish I had a more varied selection of artists for your consideration. What can I say? When I like something, I like it.

I do not plan my writing in advance. I wait for God’s inspiration before I sit down here to type this. Subsequently, I sometimes am a day or two late. But I have found I cannot contrive an article based on a forced topic. When I hear the thing on which I should write, I know it immediately. And lately, I then look for a song that I think best reflects the tone.

This latest inspiration came from a Dateline special on Tuesday. I was planning on writing after I saw the show, I was just so emotionally and spiritually drained after it ended, I could do nothing but sleep.

I have been seeing a counselor at my church. We have been dealing with so many issues. One such issue that came screaming to the forefront last week was sexuality. My therapist believes that at some point in my teenage years, I went ‘dead.’ What that means in my life is that I no longer allowed anyone to detect any vulnerability lurking inside of me. It was at that point in my life when I started defining myself as a sexual being.

This is difficult to write these words tonight. See-my therapist gave me a homework assignment; to define my identity as said sexual being and describe what that meant for my life.

Well, what better avenue on which to do my homework than live on the internet, sharing it with you? In all honesty, I started this blog to be honest with people struggling to understand Christianity in the 21st century. Therefore, if a subject finds relevance in my life, it may as well in yours.

It was when I went dead that I separated love and sex. For my being, sex was a natural instinct, much as the animals possess. Sex was a means to an end, and in no way was connected to love. I defined myself as a sexual being. Sex was for enjoyment, and I was able to detach myself from any emotions other than pleasure.

I have to supply one example to demonstrate the depth of my reality. I lost my virginity to a stranger. I remembered hearing all these disgusting sob stories from women who gave up their most precious gift to who they thought would be The One; only to find him not returning her calls or telling all his friends about the wild time he had last night. Nope, I was not having any of it. I would get it over with; I would give it to someone anonymous and be able to move on in freedom.

Little did I know. I never saw the day that I would be rescued from Hell and brought to life. But here I am. How can I ever forgive myself; how can I reconcile who I was with who I am?

Here comes the Dateline episode. They are doing this series called “The Outsiders.” It is about people who choose to live their lives outside the ‘normal’ range. This particular show was about the sexual fringes.

There were swingers, strippers and asexuals. There was also a segment on kissing cousins, but that may be for a later article. The real issue on the program for me was the swingers. I used to think that sounded like fun. They certainly shared my beliefs that sex was just sex. In fact, one man said my exact words on television last night. He was asked if swinging was cheating. His answer? “Sex is sex. Not love.” He also went on to say that swinging actually strengthened marriages not destroyed them.

Oh God, if that were true then where would You fit in?

“You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” – 1 Corinthians 6.19.20

Thank you God that You would answer me with ultimate assurance that I am indeed washed clean. I am wholly restored; again new.

“All of us also lived among [the disobedient] at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-it is by grace that you have been saved.” – Ephesians 2.3-5

Go back and read those lyrics again. They're for all of us. Think about it.