Hum…
1. To give forth an indistinct sound of mingled voices or noises
2. An inarticulate sound uttered in contemplation
I have to say; this is a tough word to work with. Most of the definitions contained the word ‘hum’ in them. I contemplated skipping over this word, but I knew my conscience would bother me. So, here goes.
My daughter loves to hum. She is constantly humming some made up song. We can hear her coming and going, all through the house. It drives her brother nuts. It is sweet to me, like a bird, or Snow White, living in my home. I especially like the fact that she does not hum songs she has heard. Rather, she makes them up as she goes, to fit her mood and her surroundings.
I do not hum. Sometimes I sing. Sometimes I get annoying lyrics stuck in my head that I cannot get out and I have to make some noise to get them out. However, I do have something like a hum going on in my head most of the time. Now wait, I do not mean like a crazy, buzzing noise. The hum I have is from a constant barrage of sights and sounds and thoughts occurring together.
I meet with a precious group of teenage girls every week. They are girls who have had their share of problems in their young lives, and still deal with these problems on a daily basis. The weight of most of these girls’ worlds is heavy and most of them have to carry it themselves. I can say I hear a distinct hum from God while I am around these girls. The hum impresses on me how much He loves them. How much His heart aches for them. How He wants to love them through me. I operate on that hum when I am with them.
Friday is the Jewish holiday of Purim. Here is how one website describes the holiday; On Purim, Jews today remember how Esther saved the Jews of Persia from annihilation, as recorded in the Biblical Book of Esther. In general, Purim celebrates Jewish survival. Despite the plans of others to persecute and even annihilate Jews in the past, the Jewish People has survived for approximately 4,000 years.
Well, the evil villain in the book of Esther is named Haman. He was the one out to destroy the Jews. Whenever the name Haman is said during the telling of the story, the Jewish people will shake noisemakers. Another custom is to write the name Haman on the soles of their shoes and stomp their feet until the name is erased. The custom of making a noise (booing or hissing) when Haman’s name is mentioned is very ancient and widespread.
Well, the holiday is a festive and celebratory one. I would definitely say that the Jewish people hum during the holiday of Purim. Perhaps it does not sound like humming the way we would think of it, but it fits my definition above. It is certainly an indistinct sound of mingled voices or noises. It rises up to God in thanksgiving of deliverance by His hand. It rises up to curse the evil one and praise the God on high.
Do we hum? Do we stop and think about God’s deliverances in our lives? Maybe ours are not as memorable as being saved from the hands of genocide, but I think we could all think of one. At the very least, every time we wake up He has delivered us from death throughout the night. Do we take that for granted? I know I often do. I move on to start my hectic day and forget that I was given that day. I need to take time out to hum more. I need to make sounds of thanksgiving to the Lord for every little think He delivers me from and blesses me with.
"What a beautiful thing, God, to give thanks, to sing an anthem to you, the High God! To announce your love each daybreak, sing your faithful presence all through the night." Psalm 92.1-2
Do you hum?
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
I have been pondering
1: to weigh in the mind
2: to think about: reflect on
3: to think or consider especially quietly, soberly, and deeply
As my relationship with Jesus continues, I have begun to notice a pattern. When certain subjects or events continue to occur in rapid succession, He is trying to tell me something. For example, when He wanted me to focus on my relationships, all the devotionals, scripture passages and books I came across had to do with relationships.
So I caught on quickly when a pattern started to emerge. It started with a book. I was on my quarterly book-buying mission for my church when I came across a cover that intrigued me. I became a Christian and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. I love that title. Either it was the title, or God’s nudging, or both that led me to buy the book.
I have to tell you that I ate that book. Not literally of course, but I felt consumed by the book. I wrote a little about it last time. It is by a pastor named Vince Antonucci. He described a Christian that I saw when I looked in a mirror. When I became a Christian, I bought a Christian tee shirt, necklace, Bible and Bible cover, bracelet, CDs, books, bumper stickers and wall hangings. I was set. I also settled into trying as hard as I could to being the best following of Christ I could be. But I still struggled with knowing that Jesus loved me.
Mr. Antonucci writes, “The problem is that I struggled to feel loved by Jesus. And not feeling loved by Jesus created distance between us. It led to an inability to develop intimacy, to an unwillingness to abide. I was just in a cordial relationship with him. I was his employee and his buddy, but I didn’t feel like the one Jesus loved.” (39)
So, as I have been pondering what I read about abiding in his book, other things have come up. I cannot begin to sum up his thoughts on abiding, but here is a blurb: “And so abiding is about living in the presence of: it’s about depending on, it’s about trusting in, it’s about communicating with.” (82)
“Help me to understand these things inside and out so I can ponder your miracle-wonders.” Psalm 119.27
So, I met with my pastor about teaching this book in a Sunday School class, because I believe the whole world should read this book, and he said he has an idea. He’s been reading a book entitled, I’m Fine with God, It’s Christians I Can’t Stand. Basically, it is about how Christians misrepresent ourselves to the world and give us all a bad name. By making crappy movies and telling everyone what we are against, they are turning people off from Christianity and making our message the wrong one.
So, here is my pondering in a nutshell. Or a watermelon to be more accurate. As many of you who have been reading this blog for a while know, my life was in the toilet when Christ called me. I had a drug problem, a cheating problem, and a complete lack of responsibility problem. Before I became a Christian, I wanted the local Christian radio station pulled off the air because it interrupted my scan on my car stereo. But when Christ said my name, I never once stopped to think, ‘but what about those awful Christians who make bad movies, or who insulate themselves from the world?’ All I could do was run to Christ for dear life and cry.
“Oh how I love all you’ve revealed; I reverently ponder it all the day long.” Psalm 119.97
However, I was lead all over the place when I got around other Christians. I found out that we were supposed to be against homosexuals. We were supposed to reject Halloween. We should avoid secular music, movies and books at all cost. WHAT?@?
So, I ponder these things now. Do I think Christians should be secret agents for Jesus? Yes. Especially in these days when we have this current world to live in. But, do I think anything will stop a person who Christ is truly calling? I don’t think so. All of the arguments against Jesus vanished for me. The day after, I was searching for that same Christian radio station I wanted off the air because I somehow knew they could help me in my journey.
What I especially need to ponder is ‘what now?’ I am working on a book about my life before and after Christ. I pray that it will speak to people who think for whatever reason that they are too tarnished for Jesus. I believe I need to stick closely to the love I experienced when Jesus spoke to me the first time. And that will safeguard me from being a Christian people cannot stand.
“Look up at the skies, ponder the earth under your feet. The skies will fade out like smoke, the earth will wear out like work pants, and the people will die off like flies. But my salvation will last forever, my setting-things-right will never be obsolete.” Isaiah 51.6
1: to weigh in the mind
2: to think about: reflect on
3: to think or consider especially quietly, soberly, and deeply
As my relationship with Jesus continues, I have begun to notice a pattern. When certain subjects or events continue to occur in rapid succession, He is trying to tell me something. For example, when He wanted me to focus on my relationships, all the devotionals, scripture passages and books I came across had to do with relationships.
So I caught on quickly when a pattern started to emerge. It started with a book. I was on my quarterly book-buying mission for my church when I came across a cover that intrigued me. I became a Christian and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. I love that title. Either it was the title, or God’s nudging, or both that led me to buy the book.
I have to tell you that I ate that book. Not literally of course, but I felt consumed by the book. I wrote a little about it last time. It is by a pastor named Vince Antonucci. He described a Christian that I saw when I looked in a mirror. When I became a Christian, I bought a Christian tee shirt, necklace, Bible and Bible cover, bracelet, CDs, books, bumper stickers and wall hangings. I was set. I also settled into trying as hard as I could to being the best following of Christ I could be. But I still struggled with knowing that Jesus loved me.
Mr. Antonucci writes, “The problem is that I struggled to feel loved by Jesus. And not feeling loved by Jesus created distance between us. It led to an inability to develop intimacy, to an unwillingness to abide. I was just in a cordial relationship with him. I was his employee and his buddy, but I didn’t feel like the one Jesus loved.” (39)
So, as I have been pondering what I read about abiding in his book, other things have come up. I cannot begin to sum up his thoughts on abiding, but here is a blurb: “And so abiding is about living in the presence of: it’s about depending on, it’s about trusting in, it’s about communicating with.” (82)
“Help me to understand these things inside and out so I can ponder your miracle-wonders.” Psalm 119.27
So, I met with my pastor about teaching this book in a Sunday School class, because I believe the whole world should read this book, and he said he has an idea. He’s been reading a book entitled, I’m Fine with God, It’s Christians I Can’t Stand. Basically, it is about how Christians misrepresent ourselves to the world and give us all a bad name. By making crappy movies and telling everyone what we are against, they are turning people off from Christianity and making our message the wrong one.
So, here is my pondering in a nutshell. Or a watermelon to be more accurate. As many of you who have been reading this blog for a while know, my life was in the toilet when Christ called me. I had a drug problem, a cheating problem, and a complete lack of responsibility problem. Before I became a Christian, I wanted the local Christian radio station pulled off the air because it interrupted my scan on my car stereo. But when Christ said my name, I never once stopped to think, ‘but what about those awful Christians who make bad movies, or who insulate themselves from the world?’ All I could do was run to Christ for dear life and cry.
“Oh how I love all you’ve revealed; I reverently ponder it all the day long.” Psalm 119.97
However, I was lead all over the place when I got around other Christians. I found out that we were supposed to be against homosexuals. We were supposed to reject Halloween. We should avoid secular music, movies and books at all cost. WHAT?@?
So, I ponder these things now. Do I think Christians should be secret agents for Jesus? Yes. Especially in these days when we have this current world to live in. But, do I think anything will stop a person who Christ is truly calling? I don’t think so. All of the arguments against Jesus vanished for me. The day after, I was searching for that same Christian radio station I wanted off the air because I somehow knew they could help me in my journey.
What I especially need to ponder is ‘what now?’ I am working on a book about my life before and after Christ. I pray that it will speak to people who think for whatever reason that they are too tarnished for Jesus. I believe I need to stick closely to the love I experienced when Jesus spoke to me the first time. And that will safeguard me from being a Christian people cannot stand.
“Look up at the skies, ponder the earth under your feet. The skies will fade out like smoke, the earth will wear out like work pants, and the people will die off like flies. But my salvation will last forever, my setting-things-right will never be obsolete.” Isaiah 51.6
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Oh, to linger
1. To remain or stay on in a place longer than is usual or expected, as if from reluctance to leave
2. To dwell in contemplation, thought or enjoyment
3. To pass (time, life, etc) in a leisurely manner
There are several places where I like to linger. Anywhere with my nose stuck in a good book is one place. I can get caught up in a well-written book, especially if I can’t tell how it will end within the first ten pages. Another place I like to linger is outside, in a solitary place, when the wind is blowing just slightly, the temperature is about 70º and it is partly cloudy. Another place I love to linger is in my comfortable bed, with the covers all tousled about me, with my pillow in just the right position under my head.
Unfortunately, I do not get as much time in any of these places as I would like. I have to move about, running from one tedious task to another. I have to run off to work, run off to the store to do yet another errand to get something, run home to meet the kids to take them somewhere. It gets to the point where I am in the middle of a task thinking about the next time I’ll get a free moment to myself to linger somewhere I’m happy. I have made a date with myself to go to the Art Institute for about three weeks now.
Not to mention all the running, but I am also frantically looking for a job. My job ‘expires’ in a few months, and not only that, but I do not bring in enough money anyhow. I keep praying, waiting for God to point me in a direction, but I have yet to hear anything. All I can seem to sense is that He wants me to write, but I need to be paid for that too. I cannot linger in my current job situation for long.
So, you would wonder, is my spiritual life like this too? Yup, you bet. When I am with the Lord, I could stay there forever. When I am worshipping in church on Sunday, and we sing a song that takes me right to God’s altar, I love to linger. When I am praying, and I can sense God’s presence, I would love to linger there forever.
I am reading a book titled, I became a Christian, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. Let me repeat an excerpt that I really appreciated.
“I need to look for flickers of God in unexpected places. The ancient Celtics believed in what they called ‘thin places.’ These are places where the natural and supernatural worlds come together at their narrowest, with only a thin veil between them. When you’re in a thin place you’re able to catch a glimpse of God, and it becomes easier to sense his presence.”
I had an opportunity to experience a ‘thin place’ this past weekend. My son and I went to church by ourselves; my daughter was out of town and my husband was sleeping (he worked all night). My son is seven, and he really likes to sing. Well, we began singing “Your Name.” Here are a few lines from the song:
Your Name
Your Name is a strong and mighty tower
Your Name is a shelter like no other
Your Name, let the nations sing it louder
'Cause nothing has the power to save
But Your Name
Every time we sang the words ‘your name,’ my son got louder. When we sang, ‘sing it louder,’ he did. We repeated this chorus three or four times, and each time it seemed my son was a bit louder. I snuck a peek around and people had smiles on their faces. After the song was over, I leaned over and said in a whisper, “Maybe you could sing a little softer.” He looked at me, and then asked, “Why, are you embarrassed?” The arrow pierced my heart immediately. I quickly said no, and then told him he could worship the Lord however he wanted to. The next song, he was right back at it. And all I could do was thank God for lending me a son who loved Jesus with all his heart and wanted to pour his love back to his Creator. That was indeed a thin place. I need more thin places in my life.
"We're in no hurry, God. We're content to linger in the path sign-posted with your decisions. Who you are and what you've done are all we'll ever want." Isaiah 26.8
If I do indeed have the Holy Spirit living inside of me, which I do, then I have the ability to tap into His strength. His strength can help me linger where I belong. I need to linger in moments like this Sunday with my son. I need to linger when I am writing these postings and I sense God nodding His head. I need to linger with God at every moment of every day.
There was a man of God named Frank Laubach. I could write another thousand words about him, but here is what I want to focus on now. Frank devoted his life to focusing on God. He devoted himself to looking for God and listening to God throughout each moment of every day. He wrote in his journal, “Can I bring the Lord back in my mind flow every few seconds so that God shall always be in my mind? I choose to make the rest of my life an experiment in answering this question.”
Frank knew what it meant to linger. Do I? Do you?
1. To remain or stay on in a place longer than is usual or expected, as if from reluctance to leave
2. To dwell in contemplation, thought or enjoyment
3. To pass (time, life, etc) in a leisurely manner
There are several places where I like to linger. Anywhere with my nose stuck in a good book is one place. I can get caught up in a well-written book, especially if I can’t tell how it will end within the first ten pages. Another place I like to linger is outside, in a solitary place, when the wind is blowing just slightly, the temperature is about 70º and it is partly cloudy. Another place I love to linger is in my comfortable bed, with the covers all tousled about me, with my pillow in just the right position under my head.
Unfortunately, I do not get as much time in any of these places as I would like. I have to move about, running from one tedious task to another. I have to run off to work, run off to the store to do yet another errand to get something, run home to meet the kids to take them somewhere. It gets to the point where I am in the middle of a task thinking about the next time I’ll get a free moment to myself to linger somewhere I’m happy. I have made a date with myself to go to the Art Institute for about three weeks now.
Not to mention all the running, but I am also frantically looking for a job. My job ‘expires’ in a few months, and not only that, but I do not bring in enough money anyhow. I keep praying, waiting for God to point me in a direction, but I have yet to hear anything. All I can seem to sense is that He wants me to write, but I need to be paid for that too. I cannot linger in my current job situation for long.
So, you would wonder, is my spiritual life like this too? Yup, you bet. When I am with the Lord, I could stay there forever. When I am worshipping in church on Sunday, and we sing a song that takes me right to God’s altar, I love to linger. When I am praying, and I can sense God’s presence, I would love to linger there forever.
I am reading a book titled, I became a Christian, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. Let me repeat an excerpt that I really appreciated.
“I need to look for flickers of God in unexpected places. The ancient Celtics believed in what they called ‘thin places.’ These are places where the natural and supernatural worlds come together at their narrowest, with only a thin veil between them. When you’re in a thin place you’re able to catch a glimpse of God, and it becomes easier to sense his presence.”
I had an opportunity to experience a ‘thin place’ this past weekend. My son and I went to church by ourselves; my daughter was out of town and my husband was sleeping (he worked all night). My son is seven, and he really likes to sing. Well, we began singing “Your Name.” Here are a few lines from the song:
Your Name
Your Name is a strong and mighty tower
Your Name is a shelter like no other
Your Name, let the nations sing it louder
'Cause nothing has the power to save
But Your Name
Every time we sang the words ‘your name,’ my son got louder. When we sang, ‘sing it louder,’ he did. We repeated this chorus three or four times, and each time it seemed my son was a bit louder. I snuck a peek around and people had smiles on their faces. After the song was over, I leaned over and said in a whisper, “Maybe you could sing a little softer.” He looked at me, and then asked, “Why, are you embarrassed?” The arrow pierced my heart immediately. I quickly said no, and then told him he could worship the Lord however he wanted to. The next song, he was right back at it. And all I could do was thank God for lending me a son who loved Jesus with all his heart and wanted to pour his love back to his Creator. That was indeed a thin place. I need more thin places in my life.
"We're in no hurry, God. We're content to linger in the path sign-posted with your decisions. Who you are and what you've done are all we'll ever want." Isaiah 26.8
If I do indeed have the Holy Spirit living inside of me, which I do, then I have the ability to tap into His strength. His strength can help me linger where I belong. I need to linger in moments like this Sunday with my son. I need to linger when I am writing these postings and I sense God nodding His head. I need to linger with God at every moment of every day.
There was a man of God named Frank Laubach. I could write another thousand words about him, but here is what I want to focus on now. Frank devoted his life to focusing on God. He devoted himself to looking for God and listening to God throughout each moment of every day. He wrote in his journal, “Can I bring the Lord back in my mind flow every few seconds so that God shall always be in my mind? I choose to make the rest of my life an experiment in answering this question.”
Frank knew what it meant to linger. Do I? Do you?
Thursday, January 24, 2008
How can I do anything but Worship?
Worship:
2: reverence offered a divine being or supernatural power; also: an act of expressing such reverence
3: a form of religious practice with its creed and ritual
4: extravagant respect or admiration for
I have to start out a bit differently this evening. As regular readers know, I try my best to update on Tuesdays, but last night I was overcome with sleepiness. Tonight was beginning to look the same. I was finishing up with my studies while listening to talk radio, as I normally do. After I completed my notes, I went and showered, leaving the stereo on. I tried to time my shower to coincide with the hourly news as to not miss too much of the talk program. I had just finished drying my hair and was turning the bathroom light off when I heard the stereo rapidly changing channels. I heard a snippet of some rap song, a shot of Aerosmith and something in Spanish before the stereo just stopped at the local Christian channel; in all the stereo changed channels at least 8 or nine times.. At first I was paranoid, as I was in the house alone with my kids sleeping downstairs. Then, I looked for a cat stepping on the remote. Nope. The remote was tucked underneath my Bible, just where I had left it.
Needless to say, I immediately went to my computer to compose this message. I have no doubt that God changed my radio station. I am a completely cynical person, and after exhausting every other possible reason for the channel changing, I come to the conclusion it was Him.
See, I have been having a worship problem lately. I constantly revert to thinking I can do things on my own. Why do I need Christian music when there is a presidential election going on in the country? Well, why do I need air to breathe?
I do not think the definition above does justice for what creatures born to worship are meant to do. I looked up reverence and found this, profound adoring awed respect. That is a bit better.
In the spirit of this peculiar posting, I offer up an entirely different word that I think embodies what worship is truly meant to be.
Rhapsody
-an ecstatic expression of feeling or enthusiasm.
-an unusually intense or irregular poem or piece of prose.
-exalted literary composition
-freeform musical composition; often irregular in form, emotional in effect and improvisational in nature
Something in my spirit erupts when I think of the word rhapsody. Yes, worship music, prayer; all those things can bring me into worship for the Lord. But they can also cause me to simply go through the motions.
Here is a more archaic definition for worship: foolish or excessive adulation for an individual. When King David of the Old Testament saw the ark of the Lord entering his city, he disrobed, leapt, and danced before the Lord. When he was criticized for this, he replied, “I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes.” (2 Samuel 6.22)
See, he did not care what others thought. He wanted to praise His God. And I think that is what people are looking for today. Not nakedness, but naked humbleness and naked adoration.
I have tried to ride the emotional waves of worship the way I thought I should. I would get all pumped up from a song or a sermon, and expect them to carry me the distance. Inevitably, they let me down. Then I would become discouraged and sulk in a corner, licking my wounds. The cycle would begin over and over. And tonight the Lord turned my stereo.
I do not believe it was because He wants me to start another cycle. No, He wants to remind me that worship cannot be forced, but embraced. How can I not embrace His presence with me right now? And these words that spill out on my page are indeed a rhapsody to the Lord.
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me-watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” –Jesus
Worship:
2: reverence offered a divine being or supernatural power; also: an act of expressing such reverence
3: a form of religious practice with its creed and ritual
4: extravagant respect or admiration for
I have to start out a bit differently this evening. As regular readers know, I try my best to update on Tuesdays, but last night I was overcome with sleepiness. Tonight was beginning to look the same. I was finishing up with my studies while listening to talk radio, as I normally do. After I completed my notes, I went and showered, leaving the stereo on. I tried to time my shower to coincide with the hourly news as to not miss too much of the talk program. I had just finished drying my hair and was turning the bathroom light off when I heard the stereo rapidly changing channels. I heard a snippet of some rap song, a shot of Aerosmith and something in Spanish before the stereo just stopped at the local Christian channel; in all the stereo changed channels at least 8 or nine times.. At first I was paranoid, as I was in the house alone with my kids sleeping downstairs. Then, I looked for a cat stepping on the remote. Nope. The remote was tucked underneath my Bible, just where I had left it.
Needless to say, I immediately went to my computer to compose this message. I have no doubt that God changed my radio station. I am a completely cynical person, and after exhausting every other possible reason for the channel changing, I come to the conclusion it was Him.
See, I have been having a worship problem lately. I constantly revert to thinking I can do things on my own. Why do I need Christian music when there is a presidential election going on in the country? Well, why do I need air to breathe?
I do not think the definition above does justice for what creatures born to worship are meant to do. I looked up reverence and found this, profound adoring awed respect. That is a bit better.
In the spirit of this peculiar posting, I offer up an entirely different word that I think embodies what worship is truly meant to be.
Rhapsody
-an ecstatic expression of feeling or enthusiasm.
-an unusually intense or irregular poem or piece of prose.
-exalted literary composition
-freeform musical composition; often irregular in form, emotional in effect and improvisational in nature
Something in my spirit erupts when I think of the word rhapsody. Yes, worship music, prayer; all those things can bring me into worship for the Lord. But they can also cause me to simply go through the motions.
Here is a more archaic definition for worship: foolish or excessive adulation for an individual. When King David of the Old Testament saw the ark of the Lord entering his city, he disrobed, leapt, and danced before the Lord. When he was criticized for this, he replied, “I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes.” (2 Samuel 6.22)
See, he did not care what others thought. He wanted to praise His God. And I think that is what people are looking for today. Not nakedness, but naked humbleness and naked adoration.
I have tried to ride the emotional waves of worship the way I thought I should. I would get all pumped up from a song or a sermon, and expect them to carry me the distance. Inevitably, they let me down. Then I would become discouraged and sulk in a corner, licking my wounds. The cycle would begin over and over. And tonight the Lord turned my stereo.
I do not believe it was because He wants me to start another cycle. No, He wants to remind me that worship cannot be forced, but embraced. How can I not embrace His presence with me right now? And these words that spill out on my page are indeed a rhapsody to the Lord.
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me-watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” –Jesus
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Thanks for everything
THANK
1. to express gratitude, appreciation, or acknowledgment to
2. thank God; used to express relief, thankfulness, etc)
3. a grateful feeling or acknowledgment of a benefit, favor, or the like, expressed by word or otherwise
Just as a reminder, I am in the middle of a series of words I copied off a banner in a church several years. Ironically, I am thankful for that list this week. I am thankful because the list somewhat forces me to stay on task, defining what this particular word means to me and my relationship with God. I may not have thought to write about this word otherwise.
I just found out today that another person who has been instrumental in my walk with Christ is being removed from my immediate proximity. This person was a key figure in opening my eyes beyond the rigid, black and white Christianity I was in danger of adopting. At first, I found his ideas and theological practices a bit intimidating and I was concerned about his ways of thinking, of praying and of relating to his Savior.
God allowed my eyes to be opened through these experiences. I did my own research, and I found a refreshing return to authentic, disciple-making Christianity. I sought God through practices I had never thought would be as meaningful as they were. Christ met me in places where I quite possibly never would have seen Him.
This is not the first time this has happened. As you may have noticed two paragraphs above, I wrote that this was another person who God has chosen to remove from my life. I realize that with both people I was not the only one to be affected, this blog happens to be about my journey with God, so I can only speak from my experience.
The other one was my mentor, who I write about frequently on this journal. God placed her in my life at a crucial time in my faith journey. I had a million and one questions about who this God was I was trying to worship and she was there for me. No, she could not always answer my questions. Nevertheless, she was always there for me to support me, to cry with me, and most importantly, to pray with me. Through her, I learned that God was Someone holy, Someone righteous and Someone who would never leave me. God used her to build a foundation that my faith could grow on.
Anyone who has read this blog for a while knows my life verse is Romans 3.23, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” God burned it on my heart that no one is more worthy of salvation, of His love, of His mercy than I am. No one did ‘it’ better than I did. There is no such thing as a 'super-Christian.' We are all sinners and none of us can reach Him without Him reaching out to us first. It is why I know my life's mission is to reach out to those who feel they could never fit in a church or that God couldn't use them.
Well, neither of these God-people thought they were better, or more righteous than I was. Neither of them were judgmental, (until one of them found out that I occasionally listen to Rush Limbaugh). Both of them were kind in their teaching, treated me as an equal and were completely human in their actions.
So why does God chose to remove those who seem so crucial to our lives? Wouldn’t life be so much simpler if these people were constantly around to feed my spiritual life? I know they were essential to my spiritual life when they were around.
Maybe that is it. Maybe for me to grow closer to God. To get to know Him better I need to reach out to Him for comfort and growth. That’s not to say that He did not place those people in my life, because He did. But that was just for a season it seems, and now that season is over.
I have to believe that I have grown because of both of these people. I know that my spiritual life has evolved and grown because of them. I have developed a dependence on God because of my mentor. And I have honed and clarified my heart for social justice and compassion because of the other. I have to believe that God will continue to meld the pieces together and make me a better disciple of His because of it.
So with one gone and another on his way, I have to thank God for my time with them. I thank Him that He did not just leave me to my own devices and to flounder on my own. I thank Him that He has children walking around that have such a heart for helping people reach closer to Jesus. And I have to thank God in advance for the next person He brings into my life.
THANK
1. to express gratitude, appreciation, or acknowledgment to
2. thank God; used to express relief, thankfulness, etc)
3. a grateful feeling or acknowledgment of a benefit, favor, or the like, expressed by word or otherwise
Just as a reminder, I am in the middle of a series of words I copied off a banner in a church several years. Ironically, I am thankful for that list this week. I am thankful because the list somewhat forces me to stay on task, defining what this particular word means to me and my relationship with God. I may not have thought to write about this word otherwise.
I just found out today that another person who has been instrumental in my walk with Christ is being removed from my immediate proximity. This person was a key figure in opening my eyes beyond the rigid, black and white Christianity I was in danger of adopting. At first, I found his ideas and theological practices a bit intimidating and I was concerned about his ways of thinking, of praying and of relating to his Savior.
God allowed my eyes to be opened through these experiences. I did my own research, and I found a refreshing return to authentic, disciple-making Christianity. I sought God through practices I had never thought would be as meaningful as they were. Christ met me in places where I quite possibly never would have seen Him.
This is not the first time this has happened. As you may have noticed two paragraphs above, I wrote that this was another person who God has chosen to remove from my life. I realize that with both people I was not the only one to be affected, this blog happens to be about my journey with God, so I can only speak from my experience.
The other one was my mentor, who I write about frequently on this journal. God placed her in my life at a crucial time in my faith journey. I had a million and one questions about who this God was I was trying to worship and she was there for me. No, she could not always answer my questions. Nevertheless, she was always there for me to support me, to cry with me, and most importantly, to pray with me. Through her, I learned that God was Someone holy, Someone righteous and Someone who would never leave me. God used her to build a foundation that my faith could grow on.
Anyone who has read this blog for a while knows my life verse is Romans 3.23, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” God burned it on my heart that no one is more worthy of salvation, of His love, of His mercy than I am. No one did ‘it’ better than I did. There is no such thing as a 'super-Christian.' We are all sinners and none of us can reach Him without Him reaching out to us first. It is why I know my life's mission is to reach out to those who feel they could never fit in a church or that God couldn't use them.
Well, neither of these God-people thought they were better, or more righteous than I was. Neither of them were judgmental, (until one of them found out that I occasionally listen to Rush Limbaugh). Both of them were kind in their teaching, treated me as an equal and were completely human in their actions.
So why does God chose to remove those who seem so crucial to our lives? Wouldn’t life be so much simpler if these people were constantly around to feed my spiritual life? I know they were essential to my spiritual life when they were around.
Maybe that is it. Maybe for me to grow closer to God. To get to know Him better I need to reach out to Him for comfort and growth. That’s not to say that He did not place those people in my life, because He did. But that was just for a season it seems, and now that season is over.
I have to believe that I have grown because of both of these people. I know that my spiritual life has evolved and grown because of them. I have developed a dependence on God because of my mentor. And I have honed and clarified my heart for social justice and compassion because of the other. I have to believe that God will continue to meld the pieces together and make me a better disciple of His because of it.
So with one gone and another on his way, I have to thank God for my time with them. I thank Him that He did not just leave me to my own devices and to flounder on my own. I thank Him that He has children walking around that have such a heart for helping people reach closer to Jesus. And I have to thank God in advance for the next person He brings into my life.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
The rest of the story
Rest:
2: to cease from action or motion: refrain from labor or exertion 3: to be free from anxiety or disturbance 4: to sit or lie fixed or supported 5a: to remain confident: trust
This past Friday was the year anniversary of my Next Chance. I cannot force myself to use clichés like ‘brush with death,’ or ‘near-death experience,’ so I will settle on something that sounds important; like Next Chance.
I need a title that sounds important, because that is practically the only thing that it looks like I can salvage from the past year. I cannot say that I wrote a book about my walk with Jesus while I was in a coma. I cannot say I saw ‘the light’ and that God spoke to me and told me He had a mission for me to accomplish.
A brief recap: a year ago an accidental prescription drug overdose caused me to have a stroke. I was in a coma for a while, and spent a month in the hospital. After that, I spent another month in various stages of rehabilitation. In the early days after the stroke, the doctors told my husband that I may not make it.
Well, I made it. And during that year, I cannot say anything in my life has significantly changed. Sure, I went back to school for a few classes. But I dropped out again, as I felt God was impressing upon me that school was not where He wanted me. I apparently do not need a master’s degree to do His work, nor do I need to prove to anyone that I can accomplish the task.
I fell back into a routine of wifedom and motherhood, and as I am appreciative of being in their lives more than ever, I cannot say I have become better at either. I am writing again, but I have not spent the last year writing the book that I know remains trapped inside of me.
So then, now how shall I live?
I am positive that the lord does not want me wallowing in self-pity. I am confident that I remain a maintenance person because I have something yet to learn. Perhaps what I need to learn is our word for the week: rest. I am yet ‘to be free from anxiety or disturbance.’ I cannot say with confidence that I ‘sit supported.’ I have a difficult time allowing myself to be supported by Jesus. Finally, I struggle ‘to remain confident.’
The plain fact of the deal is that God allowed me to live because He wanted to. He left me here because of the fervent prayers of hundreds of people. He left me here because it was His good pleasure to. He did not leave me here because He needs me to do something, because God does not need us to do anything. Perhaps there is something He wants me to do, but He will continue to wait patiently until I more satisfactorily die to myself. Until I realize living for Jesus does not necessarily have to live up to my agenda.
He can do this because I believe that the Lord is the consummate ‘rester.’ I realize that is not a word per se, but He is one that truly knows how to rest. God is continually waiting for all of us to work through our own issues and sin, listening to us cry and wail and complain, knowing in Himself how much He loves us and only wants to pour that love on us.
My mentor has been wrestling with a verse from the Psalms for what seems like forever. “Be still, and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46.10) I think a lot of us struggle with that verse. How can we be still when we have minds and wills of our own? The answer? Rest.
“Message of God, the Master. On the day I scrub you clean from all your filthy living, I’ll also make your cities livable. The ruins will be rebuilt. The neglected land will be worked again, no longer overgrown with weeds and thistles, worthless in the eyes of passersby. People will exclaim, ‘Why, this weed patch has been turned in a Garden of Eden! And the ruined cities, smashed into oblivion, are now thriving!’ The nations around you that are still in existence will realize that I, God, rebuild ruins and replant empty waste places. I, God, said so, and I’ll do it.” Ezekiel 36.33-36-The Message
I realize that these verses are actually talking about the restoration of Israel, but I know that God was speaking at me through these verses tonight. HE will be the restorer of nations and HE will be the restorer of people. It may seem like God is neglecting me for not, but that is obviously not the case. I am on His mind, and I will be 'worked again.' God was given the glory of bringing me back to life and health. Jesus has taken the weight of my sin, my weeds and thistles, and He is in the process of continuing the work He has started in me.
I just need to rest.
Rest:
2: to cease from action or motion: refrain from labor or exertion 3: to be free from anxiety or disturbance 4: to sit or lie fixed or supported 5a: to remain confident: trust
This past Friday was the year anniversary of my Next Chance. I cannot force myself to use clichés like ‘brush with death,’ or ‘near-death experience,’ so I will settle on something that sounds important; like Next Chance.
I need a title that sounds important, because that is practically the only thing that it looks like I can salvage from the past year. I cannot say that I wrote a book about my walk with Jesus while I was in a coma. I cannot say I saw ‘the light’ and that God spoke to me and told me He had a mission for me to accomplish.
A brief recap: a year ago an accidental prescription drug overdose caused me to have a stroke. I was in a coma for a while, and spent a month in the hospital. After that, I spent another month in various stages of rehabilitation. In the early days after the stroke, the doctors told my husband that I may not make it.
Well, I made it. And during that year, I cannot say anything in my life has significantly changed. Sure, I went back to school for a few classes. But I dropped out again, as I felt God was impressing upon me that school was not where He wanted me. I apparently do not need a master’s degree to do His work, nor do I need to prove to anyone that I can accomplish the task.
I fell back into a routine of wifedom and motherhood, and as I am appreciative of being in their lives more than ever, I cannot say I have become better at either. I am writing again, but I have not spent the last year writing the book that I know remains trapped inside of me.
So then, now how shall I live?
I am positive that the lord does not want me wallowing in self-pity. I am confident that I remain a maintenance person because I have something yet to learn. Perhaps what I need to learn is our word for the week: rest. I am yet ‘to be free from anxiety or disturbance.’ I cannot say with confidence that I ‘sit supported.’ I have a difficult time allowing myself to be supported by Jesus. Finally, I struggle ‘to remain confident.’
The plain fact of the deal is that God allowed me to live because He wanted to. He left me here because of the fervent prayers of hundreds of people. He left me here because it was His good pleasure to. He did not leave me here because He needs me to do something, because God does not need us to do anything. Perhaps there is something He wants me to do, but He will continue to wait patiently until I more satisfactorily die to myself. Until I realize living for Jesus does not necessarily have to live up to my agenda.
He can do this because I believe that the Lord is the consummate ‘rester.’ I realize that is not a word per se, but He is one that truly knows how to rest. God is continually waiting for all of us to work through our own issues and sin, listening to us cry and wail and complain, knowing in Himself how much He loves us and only wants to pour that love on us.
My mentor has been wrestling with a verse from the Psalms for what seems like forever. “Be still, and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46.10) I think a lot of us struggle with that verse. How can we be still when we have minds and wills of our own? The answer? Rest.
“Message of God, the Master. On the day I scrub you clean from all your filthy living, I’ll also make your cities livable. The ruins will be rebuilt. The neglected land will be worked again, no longer overgrown with weeds and thistles, worthless in the eyes of passersby. People will exclaim, ‘Why, this weed patch has been turned in a Garden of Eden! And the ruined cities, smashed into oblivion, are now thriving!’ The nations around you that are still in existence will realize that I, God, rebuild ruins and replant empty waste places. I, God, said so, and I’ll do it.” Ezekiel 36.33-36-The Message
I realize that these verses are actually talking about the restoration of Israel, but I know that God was speaking at me through these verses tonight. HE will be the restorer of nations and HE will be the restorer of people. It may seem like God is neglecting me for not, but that is obviously not the case. I am on His mind, and I will be 'worked again.' God was given the glory of bringing me back to life and health. Jesus has taken the weight of my sin, my weeds and thistles, and He is in the process of continuing the work He has started in me.
I just need to rest.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
My weekend with the Lord…or lead me from the Labyrinth
I interrupt my series on words to bring you a story of restoration and more evidence on the power of prayer. I had many of you praying for me this past weekend, as I was to embark on a spiritual quest. Thigh bone broken or not, some things needed to be wrestled out with God. The prayer was for both strength and protection from impending spiritual warfare.
The prayer retreat was in itself a gift from the Lord. I had needed to go into an extended time of prayer and meditation for a while now. As you may or may not know, I dealt with child abuse as a child and young adult. My mother was, (and is) suffering from depression. As a result, she did a lot of things that she no longer remembers. So, I cannot extract my pound of flesh from getting her to remember and confess to her sins.
So the burden falls on me and the Lord. In order to proceed into a deeper relationship with Christ and feel safe doing ministry work, I needed to ‘clean the pipes’ as a dear mentor once told me. I was carrying years of anger, rage, sadness, pity, fear, resentment, rejection and scarring (I made a list.) I needed to work through my feelings with God and my mother, and assorted family members.
So, my counselor and I were waiting on the Lord for the opportune time for me to go on a retreat. Well, that time came last weekend. The retreat was offered last minute to my church. ‘Coincidentally,’ my husband was going up north and taking our children with him. Here was my big chance!
I had a set agenda. I was going to go off on my own and do some primal screaming, breaking of branches, and lots of crying. There were about fourteen of us on the retreat. We started out Friday night with a relaxing dinner. Then, our pastor led us on a directed prayer journey through John 13.1-5. It’s the passage that describes Jesus washing the disciples’ feet.
1It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love. 2The evening meal was being served, and the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon, to betray Jesus. 3Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; 4so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. 5After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
The prayer retreat was in itself a gift from the Lord. I had needed to go into an extended time of prayer and meditation for a while now. As you may or may not know, I dealt with child abuse as a child and young adult. My mother was, (and is) suffering from depression. As a result, she did a lot of things that she no longer remembers. So, I cannot extract my pound of flesh from getting her to remember and confess to her sins.
So the burden falls on me and the Lord. In order to proceed into a deeper relationship with Christ and feel safe doing ministry work, I needed to ‘clean the pipes’ as a dear mentor once told me. I was carrying years of anger, rage, sadness, pity, fear, resentment, rejection and scarring (I made a list.) I needed to work through my feelings with God and my mother, and assorted family members.
So, my counselor and I were waiting on the Lord for the opportune time for me to go on a retreat. Well, that time came last weekend. The retreat was offered last minute to my church. ‘Coincidentally,’ my husband was going up north and taking our children with him. Here was my big chance!
I had a set agenda. I was going to go off on my own and do some primal screaming, breaking of branches, and lots of crying. There were about fourteen of us on the retreat. We started out Friday night with a relaxing dinner. Then, our pastor led us on a directed prayer journey through John 13.1-5. It’s the passage that describes Jesus washing the disciples’ feet.
1It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love. 2The evening meal was being served, and the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon, to betray Jesus. 3Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; 4so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. 5After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
Our pastor led us into directed contemplation about this passage. We wrapped our minds around what this scene really looked like. What were the sounds, smells? Then he had us put ourselves into the place of one of the disciples and think about how it must have felt having the Lord wash our feet. The whole exercise was a beautiful reflection into scripture, and for me, set the tone of the weekend.
Then, we played games and laughed hysterically for the rest of the night. This was nothing at all like I was expecting. It certainly didn’t fit my agenda.
When we were finally let on our own the next morning, it was off to business. However, my pastor just had to say one more thing in his prayer for us. Here is a paraphrase, “Father, I ask if there is anyone going out with their own expectations for the day, I ask that you make them flexible to your plans.’ Great. Now I had that to deal with. But I took it in stride. As I was walking outside, I prayed, “Ok God, if you want to run this encounter differently, then I’m willing to go with the flow.”
Remember, my original plan was to go deep into the woods and get busy with some primal emotions. Instead, the Lord led me to a Labyrinth that was cut into the grounds at the retreat center. How could this ever help vent the anger I needed to get out?
Still going with the flow, I started by walking around the Labyrinth cautiously, checking it out. Actually, I was wondering how stupid I would look walking around a maze. At least it had no dead ends. When I got around the perimeter, I gave up and walked up the path. It actually resembled the Labyrinth I pictured above. It seemed like I would hit the middle right from the start. I thought that would be a little too easy. (It was here I started to notice parallels to my spiritual journey) instead, the path veered away from the center. It wound around one side and then the other. At one point, I thought it was going to spit me out, that I had missed a turn somewhere, (another parallel), but I was wrong. The next time it seemed like that, I knew better and was less anxious (parallel there too.) I could see where people had tamped the grass down where they had given up their walk.
Throughout the walk, I spoke to God about the things that had happened to me throughout my life. I cried some. But the whole time I felt very reassured by His close presence and His love for me. Somehow, by my obedience and His gentle prodding, I was able to release the years of hurt into His care. He really showed me my mother’s intense brokenness.
After I made it to the center, I sat for a few minutes thanking and praising Him. Then, I went to a tree I had been eying and sat underneath it. I looked up at the branches and started almost immediately thinking about the fact that I had already been grafted in as a child of the Lord. That I was to remain abiding in His ways and trust He was walking me down the right path, no matter what it looked like. He reassured me that I shouldn’t give up, but continue where He had laid my path. He also reminded me of the passage in Ephesians, where He had spoken to me before.
“In love, He predestined us to adoption as sons (and daughters) through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will,” Ephesians 1.5
He adopted me from my past. Not so I could abandon it, or forget it ever happened, as that would negate a good portion of my life. But God has adopted me as one of His own, and He has healed my wounds, and wiped my tears. I will do well to remember that.
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