I have been pondering

1: to weigh in the mind
2: to think about: reflect on
3: to think or consider especially quietly, soberly, and deeply


As my relationship with Jesus continues, I have begun to notice a pattern. When certain subjects or events continue to occur in rapid succession, He is trying to tell me something. For example, when He wanted me to focus on my relationships, all the devotionals, scripture passages and books I came across had to do with relationships.

So I caught on quickly when a pattern started to emerge. It started with a book. I was on my quarterly book-buying mission for my church when I came across a cover that intrigued me. I became a Christian and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. I love that title. Either it was the title, or God’s nudging, or both that led me to buy the book.

I have to tell you that I ate that book. Not literally of course, but I felt consumed by the book. I wrote a little about it last time. It is by a pastor named Vince Antonucci. He described a Christian that I saw when I looked in a mirror. When I became a Christian, I bought a Christian tee shirt, necklace, Bible and Bible cover, bracelet, CDs, books, bumper stickers and wall hangings. I was set. I also settled into trying as hard as I could to being the best following of Christ I could be. But I still struggled with knowing that Jesus loved me.

Mr. Antonucci writes, “The problem is that I struggled to feel loved by Jesus. And not feeling loved by Jesus created distance between us. It led to an inability to develop intimacy, to an unwillingness to abide. I was just in a cordial relationship with him. I was his employee and his buddy, but I didn’t feel like the one Jesus loved.” (39)

So, as I have been pondering what I read about abiding in his book, other things have come up. I cannot begin to sum up his thoughts on abiding, but here is a blurb: “And so abiding is about living in the presence of: it’s about depending on, it’s about trusting in, it’s about communicating with.” (82)

“Help me to understand these things inside and out so I can ponder your miracle-wonders.” Psalm 119.27

So, I met with my pastor about teaching this book in a Sunday School class, because I believe the whole world should read this book, and he said he has an idea. He’s been reading a book entitled, I’m Fine with God, It’s Christians I Can’t Stand. Basically, it is about how Christians misrepresent ourselves to the world and give us all a bad name. By making crappy movies and telling everyone what we are against, they are turning people off from Christianity and making our message the wrong one.

So, here is my pondering in a nutshell. Or a watermelon to be more accurate. As many of you who have been reading this blog for a while know, my life was in the toilet when Christ called me. I had a drug problem, a cheating problem, and a complete lack of responsibility problem. Before I became a Christian, I wanted the local Christian radio station pulled off the air because it interrupted my scan on my car stereo. But when Christ said my name, I never once stopped to think, ‘but what about those awful Christians who make bad movies, or who insulate themselves from the world?’ All I could do was run to Christ for dear life and cry.

“Oh how I love all you’ve revealed; I reverently ponder it all the day long.” Psalm 119.97

However, I was lead all over the place when I got around other Christians. I found out that we were supposed to be against homosexuals. We were supposed to reject Halloween. We should avoid secular music, movies and books at all cost. WHAT?@?

So, I ponder these things now. Do I think Christians should be secret agents for Jesus? Yes. Especially in these days when we have this current world to live in. But, do I think anything will stop a person who Christ is truly calling? I don’t think so. All of the arguments against Jesus vanished for me. The day after, I was searching for that same Christian radio station I wanted off the air because I somehow knew they could help me in my journey.

What I especially need to ponder is ‘what now?’ I am working on a book about my life before and after Christ. I pray that it will speak to people who think for whatever reason that they are too tarnished for Jesus. I believe I need to stick closely to the love I experienced when Jesus spoke to me the first time. And that will safeguard me from being a Christian people cannot stand.

“Look up at the skies, ponder the earth under your feet. The skies will fade out like smoke, the earth will wear out like work pants, and the people will die off like flies. But my salvation will last forever, my setting-things-right will never be obsolete.” Isaiah 51.6