the arrows of love

As if to assume I am qualified to start a ‘series,’ I am about to do just that.  I was pondering the subject of love today, (go figure) and rather than cram all my ideas into one enormous confusing blog, I will separate it into three confusing ones.

Ok, so that blathering aside, my first thoughts are about myself. Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about your mate, right?  Well, in this case I opt to discuss me instead.  The premise is very simple, if I am bothered by myself, if I am combatant toward the very person who is to love another, I will be completely unsuccessful at any outward gestures.

When Jesus captured my heart, my heart was rather skeptical toward the whole idea.  I may have alluded to this before; but my counselor’s idea of looking to God to be the father I never had went over poorly at best.  I think that may have set my relationship with God farther back to be honest.  Fathers were to be distrusted and I wanted nothing to do with another one.  
I got over that and started to look at God with a different reflection; the Alpha & the Omega, I Am.  Those were powerful, take-charge kinds of ways to look at the Creator of the Universe. Those names seemed to be more fitting for a God I could get to know, to get used to having in my life.
However, what I ultimately needed to realize is that the problem lied within me, not Him.  I had to realize that I was afraid of letting in another father; that the idea of a gentle shepherd scared me inside.  I was looking for something fierce because that was what I was accustomed to.  I was afraid because I might actually start to believe that He cared about me.
I still am.  When things go wrong in my life; when things really start affecting my pride, my self-esteem, I retreat.  Rather that stand strong, knowing my Father has my back, I slide back into the familiar.  For me, the familiar is the ‘nothing can hurt me’ ostrich pose.  Of course it’s self-defeating; I know that.  Heck, I knew that when I was a drug addict.  To be brutally honest, I thought I was in control because I knew I was self-destructive, but I just didn’t care.
So for me right now, I have a problem that I need to deal with.  Of course, God is still there with me.  As I write those words, I have to actually take a leap of faith to believe that; but I know it’s true.  But this is an issue that I need to take apart and explore.  

So for Valentine’s Day this year, take some time to make sure you love yourself.  Check for mental roadblocks that prevent you from loving your Father as much as you should, and more importantly, from receiving the love that you so desperately need.  Loving yourself makes it easier to let go, to release that false sense of control you think you have, to stop retreating.  

Until then, here’s some reassurances for us all.  Peace in abundance to you all.

“All you saints!  Sing your hearts out to God!  Thank Him to His face!  He gets angry once in a while, but across a lifetime there is only love.  The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter.”  Psalm 30.4-5

“Oh, thank God-He’s so good!  His love never runs out.  All of you set free by God, tell the world!  Tell how He freed you from oppression, then rounded you up form all over the place, from the four winds, from the seven seas.” Psalm 17.1-3