I have to Pause

Pause:
1: a temporary stop
2: to dwell or linger

Because I am writing this on the eve of what is amounting to be an historical election, one may think that I would want to wax eloquently about politics. One would be wrong.

Anyone who knows me can attest that I am a political junkie. I live and breathe politics, and how our political systems affect the entire world. I have had enough. I believe it is because I am neglecting what is truly important.

The month that just ended was Pastor Appreciation Month. Across the country, how much was that overshadowed by this election mania I wonder. Were we consumed by the mud-slinging, the rhetoric so much so that we failed to see the ones who labor right in front of us? I point the most direct finger of regret at myself.

I have to believe that our pastors operate by enormous amounts of faith poured out on them by our Almighty God. No one can conjure up enough faith to sustain them on a daily basis through trials and strife; it has to come from the One who called us to be His child. Therefore, these shepherds have to function on much more than rote obedience.

Jesus called Himself the Good Shepherd who lays His life down for His sheep, so it bears a peek into the life of a shepherd and his flock. Here is what Jesus says;

“I am the Good Shepherd. I know my own sheep and my own sheep know me. In the same way, the Father knows me and I know the Father. I put the sheep before myself, sacrificing myself if necessary.” John 10.14-15

First, some information on the animals that Jesus compared us to; sheep. Let us look and compare ourselves to these animals. Sheep have excellent eyesight, but they have poor depth perception, which means they cannot see immediately in front of their noses. Sheep have a strong instinct to follow the leader. When one sheep decides to go somewhere, the rest of the flock will follow, even if it’s not a good decision. Sheep will tend to stay together in a group, and one will become agitated when it is separated from the group. When sheep are faced with danger, their instinct is to flee. Sheep also never walk in a straight line. They are constantly observing their backside from one side and then another. Sheep never allow themselves to show pain, because it attracts predators. Sheep have to be watched closely, as they will eat poison grasses and berries, and drink brackish and poisoned water if left to their own devises.

While there is some debate about whether or not shepherds will break a sheep’s legs, I have it on good authority that it is indeed true. When a sheep refuses to stop wandering, a shepherd will break their legs and carry them around on their backs until their legs are healed. The sheep is then conditioned to never stray far from the shepherd.

Pastors strive to model themselves after The Good Shepherd. They lay down much of their lives for their sheep. It may not appear like that to a casual observer, but as someone who sees a pastoral staff on a daily basis, I can attest to their faith and dedication.

Pastors put in many more hours then what they are paid for. They spend time pouring over Scripture, music, curriculum and people. They pray for people who are constantly straying. They plead for the souls of the lost that have not come into the fold yet. Their sheep’s pain is their own and they care individually for each one of them.

So what would it take for us to pause for a moment to remember them everyday? There are many of us who are praying for the elections, when we forget that God is ultimately in control of the situation. He is the Creator of the Universe and He sustains that Universe and this Earth on a daily basis; how can we be so sinful to think He is not in control of what happens with political leaders and how this whole Creation drama plays out? Sure, we have a duty to pray for our leaders and our enemies, and we have a duty to vote, but God is certainly not surprised or caught off guard by the results.

Our pastors are on the front lines everyday. They hear from rams and goats. Hear what God says in Ezekiel 34:

“Is it not enough for you to feed on the good pasture? Must you also trample the rest of your pasture with your feet? Is it not enough for you to drink clear water? Must you also muddy the rest with your feet? Must my flock feed on what you have trampled and drink what you have muddied with your feet?” Ezekiel 34.17-19

I can only surmise that it is not sheer obedience that keeps our pastors where they are. It is faith that God can use their meager offerings to reach that lost sheep, to nurture a sick lamb, to build up a yearling. The pastors are constantly dealing with their flocks.

I want to pause to reflect on people who are more important to my daily life than politicians. I’ll be at my polling place on Election Day, that’s not the issue. But after the election has been decided, my pastors will still be where they were the day before; sitting at their desks or on their knees somewhere, praying for all of us. When the economy falters, they will be there, praying and providing as best they can. When the Word of God is attacked or harnessed, they will still be there, fighting for the truth. When my children hear something in school I don’t want them to hear, or my non-believing family fights me with rhetoric they hear, my pastors will give me words of wisdom and encouragement.

And it’s because my pastors know something very important that God has given them by faith;

"Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening? God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out." Isaiah 40.28

Dwelling on the Little Things


Dwell
1: to remain for a time
2 a: to live as a resident
3 a: to keep the attention directed
b: to speak or write insistently

I spent this past weekend in the woods. We had our Fall Timber Bay camp up in Onamia, Minnesota. For those who do not know what Timber Bay is; it is a Christian organization that works with at-risk youths from our community. We work with kids who are referred to us from their social workers, their counselors and those who hear about us from their friends. I have been with them for over a year now.

We take the kids camping to remove them from their chaotic home lives and give them a break from what is usually a hard life. They get to experience an adventure with other kids from different areas and many adult counselors who really love them and care about who they are as individuals.

Honestly though, I have had my struggles. Because we encounter these teens in the midst of their difficult home lives, we do not often see the fruits of our labor. We counsel them, give them sound biblical advice about the choices they make and generally try to love on them.

The problem is that most of these teens do not have an abundance of trust. God is something unattainable and Jesus is a man they cannot necessarily relate to. To these kids, their problems are in the here and now and God is someone out there. It comes down to the proverbial question, “Where is God in all of my pain?”

Therefore, what we end up seeing is a lot of ‘admirers’ of Jesus rather than ‘followers’ of Jesus. There are moments when they can feel God’s love, and moments when we can show them Jesus as best we can as humans. Problem is, when they go back home, things return to ‘normal’ and life seems to remain the same.

As our brochure reads, “Youth who are in their early teens should still have that wonderful idea that anything in life is possible, that their bigger-than-life adventure is unfolding day-by-day. But for too many, life has grown jaded and cynical; they’re withdrawn and distrustful of adults.”

We as counselors spend a lot of time building trust in these teens, helping them to see they can depend on us to be there, without judgment, loving them despite bad choices and continuing to lead them to God’s grace and love.

Personally, I have seen girls make bad choices regarding drugs and sex, after I had spent considerable time counseling against these same things. It can be discouraging.

So, at camp this weekend, I observed the other Timber Bay groups, watching to see how kids from other areas interacted and responded to the Gospel messages. We never try to cram Jesus into their chaotic lives, choosing rather to live out Jesus to them day by day and gently chip away at the walls around their hearts.

At the end of the weekend, the kids had a chance to share how the weekend affected them and if they had any new revelations about God’s love for them. Hand after hand was raised, and all but one started their story the same; “I have been in foster care…” My heart began to break and I realized something that I had not before. These kids have all been tossed aside, by choices their parents had made or forces that had caused the kids to rebel in a way the parents could not handle. Either way, these kids spent every day in a house that was not theirs, with parents who were not theirs. Most of them act tough, until they are in a situation like camp, where adults love them and play games with them and talk to them like they are real people. Then they break down and let us all know how much they hurt sometimes.

Jesus really impressed upon my heart what we as Timber Bay counselors are up against. How can they know Me when they do not know earthly parents and unconditional love? We are up against a big challenge that takes time and patient love. These are not kids that can be tossed aside because they continue to make bad choices, or do not fall lock step in line with other Christian kids.

“I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3.16-19

Katoikew is the Greek word used here for ‘dwell.’ It means to make one’s home, to be at home. We need to be the ones to usher these teens into the home of Christ Jesus, where they can have the unconditional and eternal love of their true Father. What a beautiful picture; I do not even have the words to describe how this verb touches my heart. Jesus wants so badly to be their God, and for them to be His children. None of these kids are throw-away kids to Him, and they are not to me either. We are the ones called to be Jesus with skin on, establishing these teens in the love of their Father, who will never send them away from home, who will never look for someone else to raise them, who will never raise a hand to them.

I am blessed beyond measure that Jesus called me to dwell in His presence, and that He entrusts me with the fragile hearts of these teens. They are never to be disregarded, or discarded. Perhaps we are not privileged to see the fruits of our labor this side of heaven, but that is not really the point anyway, is it?

L'shanah tovah tikatevi v'taihatemi…

Or, Pausing to Utter

Utter:
carried to the utmost point or highest degree


Believe it or not, I waited to blog until today for a very specific reason. Today is the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashanah. Specifically, it started at sundown last night and continues until sundown tomorrow. It is the Jewish New Year; the new year of new years, when they change the calendar. It is now the Jewish year 5769.

So, what does that have to do with me, a Christian, you may ask. Well, Jewish tradition is something that I have come to respect and appreciate. The customs that occur on Rosh Hashanah also coincide with my word of the week.

I have been hearing a lot of secrets lately. Things that Christians are choosing to carry the weight of themselves, rather than share with the brothers and sisters God has provided to them. That thought depresses me more than I can describe with simple words.

Where did we lose our way? The Acts church that I hear about so much, the one we all espouse to become, was not like this. In two places we are told how the first believers lived:

“All the believers were together and had everything in common.” Acts 2.44

“All the believers were one in heart and soul. No one claimed that any of his possessions were his own, but they shared everything they had.” Acts 4.32

We instantly think about money and material possessions. But think about it this way; in those close quarters, did they have many secrets? Could they hide much of anything from one another? In the original Greek New Testament, the reader was not able to distinguish between the words heart and soul in this text, but only that there was harmony in thought and affection.

That being said, I ask again, where did we lose our way? Is it our stubborn individualism that forces us to carry our burdens alone? Our rugged American ‘pull yourselves up by your bootstraps’ mentality has trapped Christians in a box. Is physical pain not worthy of sharing because you may seem weak? Are marital problems taboo because ‘true Christians’ would never understand? May that never be true!

If my sister is in pain, I want to carry that pain with her. I may not be able to help, but I believe I can help her carry it in spirit. I can certainly pray for her. That is not something to be taken lightly. When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was he replied “Love God, and love one another as yourselves.” I believe when we bear our burdens alone, without allowing one another to come along side of us, we are sinning.

Do not misunderstand. We are not called to run around telling everyone every little secret. We need to practice some safe discretion when it is called for. However, I think we take that a bit too far when we choose not to ‘complain’ or ‘unload’ or ‘whine.’ A very wise pastor has told me many times that the worst Christian swear word is ‘fine.’ As in ‘I’m fine.” Why do we choose to lie?

Peter was the apostle who at one time thought Jesus was ‘too important’ to wash his feet. Later in his life he wrote this:

“All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’” 1 Peter 5.5b

When we are humble in our weakness Jesus can use his body, us, to care for each other. When we are proud, no one can do anything.

Now, onto Rosh Hashanah. A popular practice of the holiday is Tashlikh ("casting off"). The Jews walk to flowing water, such as a creek or river, on the afternoon of the first day and empty their pockets into the river, symbolically casting off their sins. Small pieces of bread are commonly put in the pocket to cast off.

The ten days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are called the “Days of Awe.”

This is how Judaism 101 describes these days:
“One of the ongoing themes of the Days of Awe is the concept that G-d has "books" that he writes our names in, writing down who will live and who will die, who will have a good life and who will have a bad life, for the next year. These books are written in on Rosh Hashanah, but our actions during the Days of Awe can alter G-d's decree. The actions that change the decree are "teshuvah, tefilah and tzedakah," repentance, prayer, good deeds (usually, charity). These "books" are sealed on Yom Kippur. This concept of writing in books is the source of the common greeting during this time.”

“Among the customs of this time, it is common to seek reconciliation with people you may have wronged during the course of the year. The Talmud maintains that Yom Kippur atones only for sins between man and G-d. To atone for sins against another person, you must first seek reconciliation with that person, righting the wrongs you committed against them if possible.”

I know that God takes great interest when His people repent, pray and care for one another. If we truly want to be an Acts church, if we want to be ‘one heart and soul’ we need to step out in the faith we hold so dear and become a little more vulnerable to one another. We all need to consider what things we need to cast off, and I believe this to mean the secret pains we carry alone too. We need to be Utter Christians.

And, as I wrote the common greeting during these Days of Awe at the top of this message; “May you be inscribed and sealed for a good year.”

Εξετάζω, επομένως είμαι.
(I question, therefore I am.)

Question:
1: to ask a question of or about
2: to interrogate intensively:
3 a: doubt; dispute b: to subject to analysis

Three stories. Three very different women.

The first woman is my mother in Christ. She is the one that took it upon herself, with her Jesus, to wean me from milk to solid food. She patiently and passionately answered all of my questions about this God I had encountered. She was not afraid to show me her scars, her wounds, in order to display the truth of the Christian life. She believed that “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.” 2 Timothy 3.16
But she questioned for a while in her life. She still does, but not to the extent she had at one point. During the period in her life when she had fallen away from Jesus, she worked at a grocery store. She later reflected that it seemed to her that every check that passed over her counter seemed to have a scripture verse on it, or an image of Jesus or the cross. She was certain that Jesus loved her even when she had walked away.
She used that story, and many others, to demonstrate the outrageous love of her Father. She lives her life unashamed of the poignant love between her and her God. That in despite of the fact that her children are distant from her. She instead, chooses to trust God that He is indeed working on their lives. She still questions certain aspects of her life; where she lives, where God wants her, things like that. However, she trusts God, in her own words, as a “Man of His word.”

The second woman is a dear friend in Christ. I have known her for several years, but I got to know her better this past weekend. She too has children that are estranged, but her grieving process is still more raw, closer to the surface. In truth, it has broken her. She reminded me of a scared doe, seeking something just beyond the horizon.
This weekend we were talking about the strengths God has bestowed upon His children. One of her strengths happened to be the gift of connectedness. A brief definition of connectedness: “…You gain confidence from knowing that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it.” That gave her pain because she did not feel connected. She questioned where God was in this chaos, and where her ministry would be.
When she spoke of her feelings of disconnectedness, I felt God stirring uncontrollably in my Spirit. He was grieving for her pain, for what was being done to His precious daughter. It was at that point He told me to speak into her life.
I told her, quite truthfully, about my feelings of love for her. I expressed to her the feelings of God’s love that radiated from her. I told her how I would notice her from afar at church and just be thankful for her presence. I wanted her to know that I felt she was a model of how the Christian woman carried herself; with grace and a beautiful sense of God’s love.
God used that experience to break the strong chains that had surrounded her heart. I confess I had nothing to do with it; I was just a messenger with a word of love and encouragement.
By the end of the weekend, she was a changed woman. She had found the voice she feared was lost. The power and the force of God’s amazing grace was devastating.

Then we get to the third woman. She has had a life that defines the word pain. Divorced young in life with a young child, she struggled to cope. Having no job and no support, she relied on the government to help her raise her child. She was positive another love was on the way.
But it was never to come. Instead, her body became ravished by age and chronic pain. The demons of depression and isolation came to visit and took up residence in her life. She found herself alone, utterly alone. Television and cigarettes became her only friend. Her child was far away by that time, having run away from her own demons.
I tried to speak Jesus’ love into her life. She countered by describing all of the atrocities in the world, asking the age old question, “Where is God in all of the ugliness of this life?” was her cry. She related to me how much she had prayed to God for a new love, a restored relationship with her siblings and her daughter, anything to make her life a little better. At one point, she thought God had answered her prayers with a male companion, but he turned out to be a monster.
In the end, she was still inconsolable. She believed in God, she just didn’t believe He believed in her. This woman is my own mother.

I know in my heart of hearts that God loves these three women the same. He wants us to rail and thrash when we are confused, when we hurt. He loves us before we ever consider loving Him. Jesus cries when we cry, He is there when we hurt and we have to know and understand that with every part of our innermost being. In our deep parts where nothing else can penetrate, we have to know He is our strength.

“God is God. He is more than a superhuman being with an intellect keener than ours and a capacity for loving greater than ours. He is Unique, Uncreated, Infinite, Totally Other than we are. He surpasses and transcends all human concepts, considerations and expectations. He is beyond anything we can intellectualize or imagine. That is why God is a scandal to men and women-because He cannot be comprehended by a finite mind.” – Brennan Manning.

The difference between these three women is that the last one has let go of the right questions and has resorted to asking the wrong ones. She is wondering, “Why me?” There is no answer to that question. Her question should be, “Where are You in all this pain and suffering?” His answer? “Right here, precious daughter.” He may not remove the pain from any of us, but He will offer His peace and His love that fills any amount of loneliness and rejection. And those aren’t just words.

“You let the distress bring you to God, not drive you from him. The result was all gain, no loss. Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets. And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You're more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you've come out of this with purity of heart.” – 2 Corinthians 7.9b-11

The saddest part is that in our humanness, that can sound like just words. God can handle the questions; we need to handle the answers.

And in the end? The final question is answered. "He'll wipe every tear from their eyes. Death is gone for good - tears gone, crying gone, pain gone - all the first order of things gone." Revelation 21.4

To groan from the weight of the world

Groan:
1. A low, mournful sound uttered in pain or grief:
2. A deep, inarticulate sound uttered in derision, disapproval, desire, etc.
3. A deep grating or creaking sound due to a sudden or continued overburdening, as with a great weight

In a church in England, the congregation gave up worship music as they had known it. The pastor of the church became tired of the complaints and struggles about different worship styles, so he did something radical. He dismissed the band and the sound system and would only allow a cappella songs to be sung. His point was that they had lost their way in music worship and the way to get back would be to strip everything away. In the words of the pastor to his congregation, “When you come through the doors on a Sunday, what are you bringing as your offering to God?”

The songwriter and worship leader of the church, Matt Redman said, “Before long, we reintroduced the musicians and sound system, as we’d gained a new perspective that worship is all about Jesus, and He commands a response in the depths of our souls no matter what the circumstance and setting. ‘The Heart of Worship’ simply describes what occurred.”

When the music fades, all is stripped away, and I simply come / Longing just to bring something that’s of worth that will bless your heart… / I’m coming back to the heart of worship, and it’s all about You, Jesus

Music should not make or break a Sunday morning. If it does, then there is something else wrong. Sure, it feels good to be filled up on a Sunday morning, but in its essence, church is to give back to Him who gives us His all. It should be an outpouring of our love and gratefulness to a God who loves us like no other. If the message is sound and the doctrine lines up, then we should simply come.

To me, a church with two worship styles, like traditional and contemporary, is akin to two denominations under the same roof, never to meet. A blended worship brings both sides together to worship the same God. The traditional gives us a chance to praise and worship the God who Is. More often than not, it is written with scriptural words, straight from the Bible. It becomes our chance to pour our hearts out to God as a body. Contemporary music helps us to better relate on a personal one-on-one relationship with Jesus Christ. Both together, if accepted and acknowledged, can become a mountain top, precipice experience.

Despite what one may think, especially in today’s society, church should not be, at its essence, a consumer experience. If the Lord has brought you to a church, then it’s there you belong. If you have felt God’s presence there, or felt His glory in the place, then you are where you belong. Of course, always line up the teachings and the songs with scripture to measure the truth of the service. But, having done that and finding truth, if you are ‘feeling’ disgruntled with the music, then you must pray through that and ask God to show you how to worship Him with what music He has given His instrument to play.

We give our money to church not because we are ‘paying’ for an experience. We give our money because God has mandated it be so. We give to God because He has given much to us. By no means should we control our purse strings by our selfish desires.

In this day, a Christian’s heart should cry to bursting with the desire for unity among the brethren. It should be the opposite of living for ourselves in this day. Peter pleaded with the people of Jerusalem, “Save yourselves from this corrupt generation.” And our pleading should sound the same. We have to banish the thought that worship is a means to make us happy, or tickle our ears.

And, in addition, the Christian worshipper has the Spirit interceding for them. He knows that no matter what the style of music, we are still singing it from this earth rather than at the foot of the throne of God. I am convinced that the Spirit takes our worship and pours it out for us as an offering, which is all we have to offer back to the God who gave us the breath to sing in the first place. It would be good for all of us to remember that we show God love by our obedience.

Read and hear what the apostle Paul has to say about the Spirit and groaning,

“Meanwhile, [when we are weak], God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves…and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” Romans 8.26-28 The Message.

But do not just take it from me; allow an evangelist from the 1800’s, John Darby, add his commentary:

“What a sweet and strengthening thought, that when God searches the heart, even if we are burdened with a sense of the misery in the midst of which the heart is working. He finds there, not the flesh, but the affection of the Spirit; and that the Spirit Himself is occupied in us, in grace, with all our infirmities: What an attentive ear must God lend to such groans!”
“The Spirit, then, is the witness in us that we are children, and thereby heirs; and He takes part in the sorrowful experience that we are linked with creation by our bodies, and becomes the source of affections in us, which express themselves in groans that are divine in their character as well as human, and which have the value of His own intercession. And this grace shews itself in connection with our ignorance and weakness. Moreover, if after all we know not what to ask for, we know that everything works together under God's own hand for our greatest good.”

There will never be a church that can be one hundred percent perfect, just as most are not satisfied completely with their jobs, houses, or bodies. Nothing will be perfect this side of heaven. In another church, the music may be sound but the instrument may be broken.

I know first hand the struggles in worship styles. God fills my heart with song and I pour my heart out to Him with song and word. However, I know that the Lord inhabits the praises of His people, regardless the style. And the idea of singing hymns with the likes of David and the pillars of our faith that came after him makes my heart beat a little faster. Sure, I struggle to be comfortable with raising my hands in praise with hymns, but I have found I cannot keep them down regardless.

It all boils down to what we are looking for when we come to church to worship on Sundays. Are we looking for something to satisfy our carnal natures, or are we willing to change and adapt in order to find harmony and unity amongst one another? All God’s children need to be singing “Alleluia, He reigns.”

In the words from a hymn written in 1758 by Robert Robinson, a minister-

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love

“In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for noble purposes and some for ignoble. If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work.” 2 Timothy 2:20-21

(for Matt Redman's outlook on worship, read this! It's pretty incredible!)
http://www.mattredman.com/?page=reflections&id=19&offset=9

The Holy Roar of our God

Roar-
1 a: to utter or emit a full loud prolonged sound b: to sing or shout with full force
2: to proceed or rush with great noise or commotion


From the first posting on this blog, I made an oath to myself and my readers to be as open and honest as I needed to be in order to write the Truth. This posting will be no different.

When a friend commented that I had not posting lately, and that I had been posting sporadically at best, it affirmed the thoughts that had been mulling around in my head for a couple of weeks. If I wanted to be a writer that used her words to convey both the beauty and the messiness of being a child of the Redeemer, I would need to naked in those words. Not using my forum to recklessly put myself at danger or to reveal more than is necessary, but use the truth of my stories to demonstrate the sometimes messiness of living the Christian life while still bringing God glory. It is with this intent that I write about the thoughts I have been having lately.

‘And now, God, do it again-
Bring rains to our drought-stricken lives
So those who planted their crops in despair
Will shout hurrahs at the harvest,
So those who went off with heavy hearts
Will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing.’ (Psalm 126.4-6)

I have been depressed lately. I was diagnosed with depression about five years ago. It was shortly after I became a Christian. Apparently, when I stripped away all the drugs and alcohol, I plummeted inside myself and became rather sad. I was blessed at the time with both a wonderful Christian mentor and a Christian doctor and they both were able to speak truth into my life. I felt as if I had done something wrong, as if I was not ‘saved’ enough. They were gentle but firm in telling me that rather than my drug use had caused my depression, it was more likely that my drug use was my way of medicating my depression. So, I had not ruined myself or my mental health entirely on my own.

‘But you, God, shield me on all sides;
You ground my feet, you life my head high;
With all my might I shout up to God,
His answers thunder from the holy mountain.’ (Psalm 3.3-4)

Well, that wonderful doctor started me on two medications, and I had been relatively fine since then. On occasion, I would become a little sad, but nothing I could not pray and wait out. Fast-forwarding to a couple of months ago, I asked my new doctor if I could experiment with a new anti-depressant that also was known to help with pain relief. We tried that, but it made me extremely tired, and so he took me off that medication. We decided to switch back to one of the old medications, but he left off the other one. Because I have never been thrilled with being on any medication, I thought I would just go with the one and see if I could remove some of my dependence on anti-depressants.

I started noticing the change a few weeks ago. At work, I would purposely hide from the populated parts of the building. At church, I would attempt to go in with blinders on, making as little small talk as possible. I have been avoiding a call to my mentor and best friend. I became more irritable with family, hollering at my kids with little provocation needed. I put my big plan with some friends on a writing project on hold without saying a word to them about it. When our family went to Kentucky, I found myself staying in our hotel room watching television rather than socializing with the other parents. I avoided Facebook and rather than bring a friend back her book I left it in her mailbox.

‘We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next.’ (Romans 5.3)

Throughout this, I attempted to pray. Perhaps it sounded more like muttering, groaning, and disparaging, but I tried to keep an open line with God. Finally, today, I went back to the doctor. We got the medications figured out to my satisfaction. I know the relief is not immediate, but I already feel a peace knowing this will soon start to pass. I also have the peace in knowing God is all right with my need for medications here on earth. I know it will not last forever.

‘God is a safe place to hide,
Ready to help when we need Him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
Courageous in seastorm and earthquake,
Before the rush and roar of oceans,
The tremors that shift mountains.
God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protect us.’ (Psalm 46.1-3)

When I was in the hospital a year and a half ago in a coma, my mentor had many hundreds of people praying for my family and me. One man in particular stayed up all night and had some divine visions from the Lord. He was witness to a spectacular (his word) spiritual battle. According to him, the battle raged all night. Early the next morning, the Lord’s army was victorious. According to my husband and the doctors, I happened to stabilize for the first time the same time that morning as well.

‘But those who want the best for me,
Let them have the last word-a glad shout!-
And say over and over and over,
‘God is great-everything works
Together for good for His servant.’
I’ll tell the world how great and good you are,
I’ll shout hallelujah all day, every day.’ (Psalm 35.27-28)

I am grateful that other ‘real’ Christians surround me too. Ones that are not afraid to show the messiness of their own lives on occasion. To them I extend an apology and this writing as a confession of my own messiness. I am grateful to God for another way to demonstrate His glory.

‘Let me shout God’s name with a praising song,
Let me tell His greatness in a prayer of thanks.’ (Psalm 69.30)

(sorry I’ve been gone a while…preoccupied with job search, forgot to trust God)


To exclaim

1: to cry out or speak in strong or sudden emotion
2: to speak loudly or vehemently
3: to utter sharply, passionately, or vehemently: proclaim


I am utterly addicted to music infomercials. You know the ones I mean; where two members from REO Speedwagon or Air Supply reminisce with their co-host about long-ago songs from years past. For a half-hour they’ll conjure up memories about this hit or that, saying coy phrases like, “Oh, remember when this song used to come on the radio and everybody would turn it up?”

Well I for one remember those days. I have been addicted to music my whole life. From a little girl dancing to her mother’s records (remember those?) to a mom dancing with her kids, I have deeply loved music. Of all kinds I might add. I went through a rock n’ roll, classic country, reggae, love song, classical, Grateful Dead, Prince, oldies, punk, alternative and Christian phase throughout my life. The only types of music I don’t like are polka and opera.

I also have a gift that assists my musical love affair. I have the uncanny ability to remember the lyrics of a song after I hear it the first time. So, when I hear a song that moves me, I never really forget it.

So, these infomercials were really designed for someone like me. They take me on an emotional roller coaster every single time they’re on television. So many songs will take me to a different place in my life; where I was, what I was doing, who I was with. If you were to be in the room with me during these pregnant commercials, you would definitely hear me exclaim. Sometimes rather loudly. This was certainly the case this past Saturday.

This was a new infomercial on the late-night circuit. It was, “Ultimate Rock Ballads.” Let me tell you, this was chock full of some great music! (If anyone wants to buy it for me, I wouldn’t be opposed). But it had the undesired effect of bringing back some memories I had stashed away.

Some of the music pointed straight at my teen years, when I was the most volatile. There was one particular relationship that was almost my undoing which could claim at least five songs on this particular set. There was a relationship in college that was one of my best (before my husband of course) that could claim at least two songs.

I started getting incredibly nostalgic, in a dangerous way. I thought about what life could have been like had I taken those roads to which those songs belonged. It’s easy to guess when there’s no knowledge of what life would have been like; no misbehaving kids, no overdue bills, no job stress. So, when I combined the songs with a ‘what might have been’ spirit, things became combustible. I went to bed that night sorrowful. All I could think about were the bad choices I had made, wrong decisions and mistakes that these songs had conjured up.

It was with this heart condition that I went to church on Sunday. My spiritual health wasn’t the best before the infomercial; still looking for a job, money crisis always overhead, all weighing heavily, top of mind. So the infomercial was just another straw on my back.

God is still in control of this situation, I will tell you that. My pastor has been in the book of Philippians for the past month, and it was there he remained on Sunday. And the verse he used for this particular sermon?

“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heaven-ward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3.13-14

The allusion the writer Paul is using is a runner in a race. It makes a great word picture if you think about it. What runner is foolish enough to look behind her when she’s in a race for the finish line? Instead, the runner stays singularly focused on the finish line; heart pounding, pulse racing, knowing what glory is at the end.

And my end is Jesus. I know that like I know the words to these meaningless songs. Even better than that, because I know what Jesus has actually done in my life and continues to do everyday. Jesus is what has meaning, and those horrible decisions I made in the past? Gone. What might have been? Gone too.

Jesus saw all of my terrible choices and He forgave them. He knew how those choices would affect my walk with Him too, how He would use them to proclaim His glory. He has redeemed me as His precious daughter, clean and pure in His sight.

In the Bible, Paul was able to put all of his rotten past behind him. And he was guilty of murdering Christians in his past. But he knew Jesus had forgiven him, so he removed it from his line of sight. That’s what I want; because I know I have been forgiven too.

“My whole being will exclaim,
‘Who is like you, O Lord?’ (Psalm 35.10)

(I do still like the music though.)