Investments

I think as January rolls around and the turbulence of the Christmas season pans out, it’s time to assess the season and where the New Year will lead me. Of course I’m not presuming to know God’s plan for me. Heck, I don’t even know what the next five minutes He has planned for me look like most days.


In the fall I made the decision to change from High School Timber Bay to Middle School. My daughter had entered her high school years and I didn’t want any conflict between what should be an exciting time in her life and the work I do with teens in conflict. So I chose to work with younger girls; girls who were still full of frantic energy and mischievous tendencies. I like to call them rabid butterflies.

I have to admit, it’s been a challenge. Remember, I had just finished investing four years into girls I had met when they were freshmen. I cut my teeth so to speak with these girls; earning their trust, listening to their secrets, crying tears with them, and rejoicing when they began to realize that the Lord was active and living in their lives.

I helped these girls repent of sins; some with were weighing heavily in their lives. We talked about the concept that these girls did not have to repeat the same mistakes their parents made, that they could have a different life altogether.

Not all of them listened of course. Some of them take what I have come to call ‘The long way around.’ I know that all too well; as I took the long way around to get to where I am today. And the girls find out my story. In time, they realize where Jesus has brought me from and how He completely restored me. Still, I have found that some people need to learn these lessons by themselves. My heart breaks for them, because I know some of what lies ahead. Still, I know that God is greater than any of that and I continue to pray and be available when they’re done running.

There have been great accomplishments as well. I have a girl who I have been with for five years now. When she first started coming to TB I dreaded seeing her come through the door. I knew I was in for attitude and defiance. As the years passed and she continued to come week after week, even coming to the bible study I held before group every week, I of course began to see a change in her.

One afternoon she told me that she had decided to join the National Guard. I admit I was thrilled for her; I knew that the discipline would be beneficial to her and that the benefits that would assist her in college would be invaluable to her. Not to mention I have a deep respect for those who choose to serve our country.

Fast forward to today: She is in the National Guard. She completed her second year this past summer. She just started college a couple of days ago. And this girl who was a headache five years ago is now volunteering with me. I mentor her and we have become very close. God is so incredibly faithful.

There are a few others in college as well. One went hours away to get some distance from her life in this town and discover who she is. She’s a great artist and she’s extremely determined to make something of her life.

Even with all of these blessings, I struggle to know whether this is God’s plan for my life. I know He brought me through all the challenges in my life to use for His glory. I know that I love girls who don’t know how fearfully and wonderfully made they are. Girls who have a spark in their eyes but someone is trying to blow it out. Girls who are going to have a lot of weight to carry by themselves if they don’t meet the Savior. God has given me a heart for the broken teen.

Still, I struggle because I feel alone so often. For every girl I can be with, there are five that are in danger of taking the long way around without ever getting a chance to find out about the God who wants them. I am blessed and cursed with the ability to see hurting girls everywhere I go and my heart constantly breaks for them.

I struggle because there are people, including some parents, who have already given up on these girls. There are parents who don’t realize what a treasure they have been given. A few do, but the majority do not know that the girl they ignore has likes, passions, dreams, hopes. I don’t want their dreams to be derailed.

I struggle because the money is always a challenge. I depend solely on the generosity of others. Unfortunately, because I am a missionary that works in a middle-America town, people don’t realize that I need just as much support as anyone else. I am completely funded by donations, and I just plain suck at raising support. So if I don’t raise enough money, I don’t bring home a check. That can be so discouraging. I have faith that God will provide, but I don’t ever know when or how and the stress is taking its toll on me.

Still, I know I will persist until God calls me out of this ministry. I have to decipher between my turbulent emotions and God’s small and still voice. I will continue to fight against discouragement and go into battle with the Lord.  I will pray as girls enter my thoughts and I will continue to love them with His love.

Does Anybody Hear Her? – Casting Crowns

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying but the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?


She is yearning for shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching for a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

He told them this parable. "Which of you men, if you had one hundred sheep, and lost one of them, wouldn't leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness, and go after the one that was lost, until he found it? When he has found it, he carries it on his shoulders, rejoicing. When he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost!' I tell you that even so there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents, than over ninety-nine righteous people who need no repentance." – Luke 15:3-7

His Love

(This is an excerpt from a chapel I gave to teens)

“How He Loves” is one of my favorite Christian songs. I think the message is so simple, but so deep at the same time. It affects me because it’s so true.

I looked up the original artist of the song to see if he had said anything about why he wrote the song.

It turns out that he wrote the song after his best friend died in a car accident. He was trying to make sense of everything. He was incredibly mad at God for taking his friend away, and he realized that God still loved him through his anger. He said that the love he’s singing about is a messy, difficult love. Realizing that God loves us no matter what; He isn’t offended when we’re mad at Him.

So the song is a celebration about the fact that God wants to hang around us through our messiness and despite of how we can act sometimes. He wants to be in our lives regardless. He wants to be with us.

Most of the times when I talk to teens, I tell them about the dangers that the world has and how to stay away from them. In fact, it seems to me that I spend a lot of time telling teenagers what not to do; drugs, drinking, premarital sex, and making sure that they’re a good example to the world around you.

All of those things are vital to your Christian walk. Don’t misunderstand me, those things are very important. But something else is true too. If you don’t understand why you should live this way, why you believe what you believe; if you can’t explain what it means to be saved, if you don’t understand how critical your salvation is, it will be tough to hold onto for the long haul.

And at this time, and with this generation, I think you need to be the ones to remind the rest of us what it means to have a sold-out relationship with the creator of everything. As the world gets scarier and Christ continues to be assaulted, if you dig in now to understand what and why you believe, you will be the brightest lights on this earth.

I don’t think it’s possible to have an encounter with Jesus Christ and stay the same person you were. My desire for you today is to begin thinking about your beliefs, and why it’s so important to really know what it means to be saved, and to be born again. And to fall in love with the one who saved you.

Before I was saved, you could never have convinced me that I needed to be saved. I thought I was good enough. I gave money to charity; I helped people when I saw they needed it. I didn’t say anything awful in front of pastors or priests. But that wasn’t enough to save myself.

And just like Jesus told Nicodemus in John chapter 3, people who are living in the dark want to remain in the dark, where their sins are hidden from the light. The idea of church was something that I didn’t want to think about. Christian music drove me crazy. And now I know it was because it brought light to my darkness.

Same thing with Christians that were around me. They talked to me about Jesus, and when I was listening I would hear the passion and love in their voice for their Savior, but I didn’t want any part of it myself. I was happy they had found it, but I thought I was happy with my life the way it was.

But I shouldn’t have been. I was in a pit for a very long time. And there were many reasons why; my parents were divorced, my mom was ill, my father rejected me, and I just wanted to cover my pain and my sin up. The fact was that I had a lot of junk piled up over the years.

When Jesus saved me, I realized where I was before him and it made me sick. I wanted to be cleaned up because he cared enough for me to rescue me and I wanted to shine for him. I didn’t do it out of obligation, but rather, I did it for love.

Ok. So our main bible verse today is john 3:16. You know this one; “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

We have heard this one so many times, do we still stop and think about what the words really mean? What does this say about who our Father is? And why do we need to be saved?

I have a bunch of reasons why we need to be saved.

1. We are dead in our sins. We are spiritually dead. We are following around the world, but we can never experience God for who he is.

2. Without God, we are extremely selfish and self-centered and demanding.

3. We hate what we should love and love what we should hate.

4. We cannot please God if we are not saved. There is nothing we can do that will bring him joy or glory when we are not living as a child of His.

5. We cannot understand the things of God because we find them foolish.

6. We are slaves to our sin.

So basically we are spiritually dead, selfish and guilty before God. Remember that God doesn’t send anyone to hell; we choose to go there ourselves. We were born on a fallen world and we need to seek out Christ.

And what does Jesus tell Nicodemus he will not have if he is not born-again? The kingdom of heaven. We will never get to spend eternity with Jesus.

But if we are saved, amazing things happen.

When we are saved, our faith is awakened and we become united with Jesus. We are adopted into his family and called the children of God. He produces a love like we have never had before. And most importantly, we will spend eternity with Jesus.

And so what happens to us when we are saved? Most importantly, we instantly receive a new life. We were dead because of our sin and we become alive in Christ. We have the experience of the Holy Spirit living inside of us. Stop and think about that for a minute. We have a living Holy Spirit that has taken residence inside of us. He helps bring our new life into the light. He hears our praying and knows our hearts.

Think about it for a minute. The verse we said, For God so loved the world…” I have to tell you something, if someone asked me to allow my son to be crucified for someone else, I’d have to say my answer would be no. I couldn’t do it. But God did.

And God knows that our salvation doesn’t bring perfection. He knows that our lives and our love for Him will still be messy; that we’ll still get upset with Him, we’ll still question why things happen, and He’s okay with that. He’s a big enough God to handle every emotion a human goes through.

And that’s why he sent his son to this earth. As a baby who needed to be raised just like you guys were raised; everything we experienced he knows about. If you read through the gospels you can see many of the emotions that Jesus went through; love, sadness, righteous anger, loneliness, anguish.

So, with all we know about Jesus, our only response to his message is with an overwhelming sense of love.

And love has become a word that has lost much of its power. How many times a day do we use the word? I love pizza, I love that show. I love my cat. I love snow. I love coffee. I love my husband and children. I love Jesus Christ.

None of those are the same kinds of love, are they?

The love that Jesus is talking about in john 3:16 is love in its deepest sense. The love that God had for us in sending his son to earth. He did that because it was in His nature.

And the love he wants back from us isn’t a love that comes from feelings. Feelings come and go. Think about your own feelings, I bet as teenagers they change quite a bit, don’t they?

Well, if you are saved, the love that you have should come from God loving us first. It isn’t a love that the world is used to. In fact, it’s a love that some would call crazy.

Love as used of God expresses the deep and constant love and interest of a perfect Being towards entirely unworthy objects, producing a love in them towards God and a practical love towards other believers and a desire to help others to seek God.

What that’s saying is our love should be so overflowing that it should cause others to wonder what we have and how they can have some for themselves.

And that’s what I want to leave you with tonight. Peter tells us to always be prepared to give the reason for the hope that you have. Do we display the love that Christ has for us to others, so that we might tell them about the one who has saved us?

Does anyone ask us why we are full of love and hope?

My prayer for all of us is that we are so filled with the love of God, and the joy that comes from knowing we are saved, that everyone who comes into contact with us wants to know why we are so peaceful in a world that’s so angry.

But I know that all of us will have bad days, days when we feel like the man who wrote How He loves. Where we question where God is and why things have to be so rotten some days. But if we love God with the love that flows from Him, we know that we can ask him to forgive us.

So, this whole message means this; that if we are born-again, if we are saved, our lives change because of that incredible love we are filled with.

1 john 5 tells us that “This is the love for God; to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the son of God.”

We show the world that we love God by obeying him out of love, not obligation. We should want to bring him joy because of the joy he brought us first. When he saves us, he breaks the bond that the world has over us. We don’t desire to live like that anymore. The world loses it shine and God shines in our lives instead. What God wants for our lives becomes what we want for our lives too. We obey him with joy.

And those aren’t just words. We love God through the good days and the bad days because He gave us His son so that we could be saved and live with Him forever

Condemnation:


1: to declare to be reprehensible, wrong, or evil usually after weighing evidence and without reservation

2: to adjudge unfit for use or consumption

3: to pronounce guilty

I had another tattoo added to one of my arms last fall. It was a bible verse and something I like to say all the time to the girls I work with. “The long way around.”

The actual saying that I use with the girls is, “Sometimes, people are just going to have to take the long way around.” I say that because I have witnessed that to be true.

Despite knowing that the path they’re on leads only to destruction; despite hearing from people who have already walked a dangerous road, they are bound and determined to try things their way. I can tell by their protests and defenses that they think their outcome will be different.

The thing I believe with all my heart is that if I had heard the truth before I set out on my path of rejection and rebellion, my life wouldn’t have taken such a long way around to God’s road. When I was told about God, I was usually in too altered of a state to hear the truth when it was offered to me.

And although I know that God has redeemed all of my poor choices and poor living and used them to speak truth into people’s lives, I sometimes wish I could have cut the long way around short by a decade or so. Just because I still have a residue of ‘less than’ that I have to rise above all the time.

Anyway, it saddens my heart when I see someone who has heard the truth decide to set it aside for some temporary pleasures or thoughtless actions that won’t get them anywhere.

I’ve heard all the excuses; “I’m not ready to give up all my fun yet.” Or, “I have to clean up some things in my life before I come to Christ.” Or, worst of all, “I still have time when I’m older to turn to Jesus.”

I can show them the bible passages. I can tell them how much of my life I wasted trying to drown my life in drugs and alcohol and cheap relationships. They know I grew up in an abusive home with no money and little love. But they still want to dance around the edges of Jesus in hopes that they’ll still have time when they decide they’re ready to ‘settle down’ and surrender.

So, since I say the phrase so often, I decided to add it to my arm. I wanted it as a reminder for myself as well as the people I talk to all the time. I don’t like it that people decide to take the long way around, but I don’t really have a choice in the matter. God knows that they’re going to decide that. He also knows the final outcome of that decision. Maybe those who choose that will use their experiences to help others. Maybe they’ll finish out their lives with sadness and regret.

But back to the bible verse I have with that phrase. It’s Romans 8:1, “Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” It’s really for me the redemptive piece of choosing to take the long way around. It’s the sentence in the bible that for me tells me that everything is still okay, no matter what bad choices I made in my past.

It reminds me that none of us are worthy on our own to make it to heaven and eternal life with Jesus, and once we are His, there is no more condemnation. We are no longer enemies of Christ.

In a devotional I recently wrote I told the girls this; “The world cannot tell us who we are; and we are not condemned with the world any longer. We have left this world for something much, much better. We are secure because of Christ; and we are covered by the blood that He shed for us. Jesus is our defender; He is pleased with who we are becoming in Him. When the world tries to put you down, or you make a mistake; there may be consequences, but God forgives. Always remember to keep moving forward, and try not to take the long way around.”

That is the supreme beauty of the love that we find in Jesus Christ. We are found fit for use, rather than what the definition of condemnation and the enemy may tell us. We are new. We are no longer defined as who we were, regardless of how long we went around without knowing the sweet truth and freedom found only in Him.

I won’t lie. It breaks my hearts when anyone thinks that they have to continue to repeat the sins of the generations who came before them. That there’s no escape; no hope. It hurts to think about all the days, months, years that these girls are going to choose to go through life alone, without the warmth and love that only a true Father can provide.

I find solace in knowing that Jesus yearns for them far more than I ever could even imagine. That His heart breaks more than mine ever could. And that His arms will be open and He will run and embrace them when they finally get off that long way around.


8 The LORD is compassionate and merciful,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
9 He will not constantly accuse us,
nor remain angry forever.
10 He does not punish us for all our sins;
he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
11 For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
12 He has removed our sins as far from us
as the east is from the west.
13 The LORD is like a father to his children,
tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
- Psalm 103:8-13

“The news we hear here is marvelous.”There is therefore now no condemnation to them who are in Christ Jesus." In the midst of the darkness of sin, in the midst of the inevitability of judgment, that is a comforting word. That is a thrilling promise from God that fills the heart with hope. And any thinking mind and any hoping soul should run eagerly to receive such a provision as is offered in chapter 8 verse 1. In fact, some say this is the most hopeful verse in all the Bible. And they may well be right.” – John McArthur

Closer

I went to a Christian music festival a few weeks ago for the sole purpose of seeing one artist; Shawn McDonald. I have been drawn to his music from the first time I heard it a couple of years ago. I like it because of the melody and the rapid-fire way he says portions of his lyrics. But I am drawn to it because he sings from a deep well that resides within him.

I checked out his story; troubled childhood, drugs, destitution. He cried out to God and God answered him in a profound way. As God did when I cried out to Him. I can appreciate the blunt honesty that I find in Shawn’s work.

So, I went because I had never heard him live and I wanted to check out the experience. I went close to the stage when he came on; because I wanted to be in the music, rather than in my lawn chair hundreds of yards back.

He sang some of his popular songs, and a few new ones. Then he performed the song ‘Closer.’ I must have listened to that song hundreds of times before I heard him perform it live. It never gets old for me. I like the message in the song and I like the way it is arranged.

So, I’m up close to the stage when the song begins;

Looking for a color in a shade of gray

Looking for love in a drop of rain

Trying to find change from the old mundane

Everything I do just feels the same

Spending my life out in the desert

Been gone so long feels like forever

I have been seeking a change from the mundane for a while now. I feel like I am resting in my life with Christ rather than actively seeking Christ and reaching out as His arms. I don’t feel this way in my ministry with Timber Bay. I can see the Holy Spirit alive and well when I am with them. We finished a bible study on the book of Revelation last week and while none of us felt a complete understanding of the book, we did do a lot of searching and seeking into God. As many of my girls graduate, I have been working on a Devotional to give them when they go to college in the fall. None of the ones in the bookstores seem to apply, so I am writing my own.

Anyhow, it’s the rest of my spiritual life that is feeling lackluster. Far too introspective and not enough sacrificially giving of myself. So, in response my prayer life begins to dry up and I start feeling like I’m in the desert too.

I just want to be closer to you

I just want to be closer, I am yours

You can have all of me anything, everything

I just want to be closer

The Teen Challenge Choir was at the festival that day as well. They had performed in the morning and hung out for the rest of the day. There were several people in their Teen Challenge shirts up by the stage when I was standing there. I was watching them raise their arms to God while singing these lyrics and I was devastated. It will never stop amazing me how God can bring lives full circle into what He desires for them. Shawn McDonald was living a life of destruction and God redeemed him for His glory. The Teen Challenge people and I were able to relate to him because God had redeemed us from a life of destruction as well.

A day without you is a thousand years

A day without you is a million tears

Tell me why do I run when I am in fear

Why do I run when you are so near

Spending my life out in the weather

Been gone so long and I need some shelter

My days without Christ were a thousand years and a million tears. I was cleaning out my room the other day and I saw some pictures from my ‘old life.’ I looked at my son as a baby and realized how much of his life I missed. I was there, but I wasn’t really there. I’ll never get those days back. My primal instinct is still to run when I dig too deep; to run in fear from true redemption when He’s already here. I still feel sometimes like I’m on the precipice of God turning away from me because I’m not what He was expecting.

Where ever you go

Where ever you are

I just want be there with you

I just want to be closer to you

I just want to be closer

I am yours

You can have all of me anything everything

I just want to be closer

I just want to be closer to you
I just want to be closer

I am yours

You can have all of me anything, everything

I just want to be closer

So I’m up by the stage, singing along with Shawn and the crowd. The Teen Challenge people are singing and worshipping and it moves me. I watch my daughter worship and it tears me up. God’s redeeming power and love tears me up. As I’m singing the chorus lyrics I feel God trying to impress on me some hard truths that I’ve still been thinking about since that day at the fest.

‘Do you really mean what you’re singing?’ “Are you willing to give Me all of you?’ Are they just lyrics that sound good, or am I willing to surrender so completely that I turn myself over to God in order to truly be closer to Him?  Will I do whatever it takes?

Well, the answer from my Spirit was such an intense shower of tears that my daughter’s friend was starting to get concerned. But for me, it was a washing away of myself and my flesh and a turning toward my Creator. I really do want Him to have everything of me. I’m sick of calling myself a Christian and not living it the way I feel it should be lived. I’m tired of being comfortable and I want to be uncomfortable and completely His. I’m sick to death of thinking that the days are getting shorter and shorter and I’m not doing everything I can to further His name.

My conclusion to all of this is this; God redeemed me from a life of complete hell. I was on the edge of destruction in all of my relations and quite possibly my life. I have no other option then to give Him everything and anything because none of it’s mine anyway.

Looking for a color in the shade of gray

Looking for love in a drop of rain

Without being closer to Christ, without giving Him everything and holding nothing back, it is truly a life of looking for wholeness that I will never find. Ultimately, I just want to be closer.

Things I hope you take with you when you graduate(a note for my graduating Timber Bay seniors):

I know I’ll keep seeing you over the summer, but with the busyness of life and future planning that will be going on, we might not have a chance to talk like we can here.  So, as our last Timber Bay of the year, I wanted to talk about the things I hope you take with you when you leave us.

First and most importantly, I hope you have a secure sense of who you are in Christ.  I hope you’ve heard us explain how to have an eternal relationship with your Creator.  I hope you have heard from us how He has pursued you with a love that you will never experience here on earth.  I hope you have heard us tell you how simple it can be to lay down your struggles to make it on your own and give in to the One who can hold you up when you fall.

I hope you have heard my story.  I hope you remember the struggles I had at your age, the poor choices and decisions I made and that you remember that any advice I gave you was from that perspective.  I have never just told you not to do something because I didn’t want you to have what you thought would be fun; I spoke from experience.  I also hope that you remember that my story ends with God restoring my life and my family.  To remember that when I surrendered my pen to God to write my story, He had a much better role for me to fill.  That when I gave Him all the pieces, He was able to fit them much better than I ever could.  And to remember that there is nothing that He cannot forgive if you ask Him.

I hope you have heard us pray.  I hope you have heard how simple it can be to have a relationship and a conversation with Jesus Christ.  How it doesn’t have to have a script, or have any special words; but rather, He just wants you to talk with Him like a friend and a constant companion.  I hope you remember that I told you to always remember that He’s not a magic trick to pull out when you want something.  That sometimes prayer isn’t answered immediately, and sometimes no answer is His answer.

I hope that you have learned that the Bible isn’t something to be intimidated by.  To know that you can open it up and hear from God every time. I hope you have learned that it is the most tangible connection we can have to God, that it is just as important today than it was the day it was written, and that He can and will speak to you from the pages.  Always remember that it is full of stories from people who are just like you are; they were human, they made mistakes, and some of them accomplished great things for God.

I hope you know that I will always be there for you.  That I am a phone call or a Facebook message away if you want to talk about something, or just say Hi.  I have invested time in this relationship because I care for you and love you.  And it’s really important to keep in touch with people you care about.

I hope you know that you have a future ahead of you.  That you can rise above your circumstances.  God has a plan for each of us.  He designed us a certain way for a reason.  He’s given you talents and abilities that He will use if you let Him. 

Finally, I hope you always remember how blessed I have been to know each one of you and spend time with you.  Thank you for the laughs and the tears. And for all of the memories that I have of each of you. 

We may throw the dice, but the LORD determines how they fall. - Proverbs 16.33

Finding Freedom

Constrain:

-to repress or restrain
-to force, compel or oblige
-to press together

See also: control

I was not one to be constrained or controlled when I was younger. Those words were in fact an anathema to my very being. I rejected the thought at all costs.

I think it started because my mother was very controlling. She believed that by controlling her child she could control the world that was collapsing all around her. She couldn’t handle a cheating husband, or poverty, so she held me down with an iron fist.

I inevitably escaped because I thought I was in love. Typical typecasting for a troubled teenager. A ‘prince’ comes in and rescues the damsel in distress from her wicked mother.

I thought I was rescued too. He was much older; dangerously older, though I did not recognize it at the time. He cared for me and helped release me from my miserable life. Unfortunately, he brought along other vices that would control me for years to come.

I tried very hard not to let another person ever control or constrain me again. After the many struggles throughout my life; I believed I was the only one capable of making decisions in my life’s story. Of course this caused untold numbers of conflicts with my then fiancé. The trouble with me trying to control my life based on my choices was troubling to him as we had two children to raise together.

My solution was simple; he could raise the kids and I could be free to pursue some sort of life that would make me happy. I wanted to be free, solo, alone. With no one to tell me anything I didn’t want to hear.

Of course we now know what happened; Jesus Christ. He invaded every aspect of my life all at once. He infiltrated my heart and my head and consumed every one of my thoughts. My world now seemed to revolve around this invisible God who I had just turned control of my life over to.

How on earth could this ever work? I had worked so carefully for so long to build strong walls of insulation and protection, just to open them up again. I wanted life on my terms, and now that wasn’t going to happen.

I tried. With terrific gumption and struggle I tried to regain ground from the One who had staked His flag on my heart as to claim it for His own. But when I tried I ended up like Jeremiah, who exclaimed the words I was feeling, “But if I say, ‘I will not mention his word or speak anymore in his name,’ his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.’” (20:9)

I attempted to return to parts of my old life; books and music mostly. But the things I used to like were not only dim, but dark and very unattractive. There was no escaping the one who had penetrated every fiber of my soul.

So, bit by bit I began to surrender to the control He had requested. However, it wasn’t the control I was expected; the way humans attempt to control one another. The control was much more gentle; more of a heart-capturing rather than a manipulation.

In a way, it’s like the love I have for my husband. If I want him to be happy, I will fulfill and honor his needs and acquiesce to his requests. The key to a great relationship of course is giving over of one’s self to another. If I was secretive and controlling of every part of myself, there would be no room to bend to another. Thusly, both I and my husband constrain ourselves to one another. Both of us sacrifice of ourselves and give of ourselves to the other as a sign of our loyalty and love for each other. And it has to be both parties in the relationship. If I was the one giving all of me, then the relationship would be manipulative and exploitative.

Well, should it not be so much more with Jesus? After all, this coming weekend we celebrate the God of the universe inclining His ear to us all the way to the point of sending His Son to earth. His Son walked amongst us for a while and then died so that we might be saved. For me to imagine Father and Son giving birth to this idea of radical reconciliation only brings tears of unworthiness. I call that giving and sacrificing to a degree that no human could ever fathom the idea of accomplishing.

But, there’s a silver lining for our frail and selfish hearts to cling to. If we allow our hearts to fall deeply in love with the One who so passionately loves our souls, then we too can constrain ourselves to Him. We find unfathomable joy in serving the Lord who rejoices over us with singing and quiets us with His love. (Zephaniah 3:17)

And in the end, it becomes a sacrifice of our concept of freedom that brings a freedom that is immeasurable on earth. A freedom that consists of broken bondage; rejoicing that the old is gone and the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17) A freedom that shouts from the mountaintops, ‘I am my Beloved, and my Beloved is mine.” A freedom that comes from the knowledge that we are not here by accident, and we are not His by accident. And a freedom that tells our very hearts and souls, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20)


“Either way, Christ's love controls us. Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life.”


“For the love of the Christ constrains us, having judged this: that one died for all, then all have died;”


…and he died for all, that they who live should no longer live to themselves, but to him who died for them and has been raised. (2 Corinthians 5:14-15

A letter to my daughter


I’ve wanted to sit down and write this letter for a while. It crosses my mind when you leave for school, or when you go downstairs to your room after talking with me. I think about it when I see you on stage, or when you’re laughing and having fun with your friends; whispering and making faces at each other.

I never wrote it because part of me didn’t want to. And it’s that part of me that needs to talk to you. The part of me that aches and yearns for something different. It’s a part that God still needs to heal.

I was always afraid to have a daughter. When you were born, and the doctor told me you were a girl, I was in shock for a few minutes. See, my mother didn’t exactly have the capabilities to raise me as a mother should. She was a single parent, and she was severely depressed for quite a while. I can’t really say we got along well.

As soon as I could, I got out of there. In all those years growing up, I never learned how a mother and daughter should relate to each other. I certainly knew how a dysfunctional relationship worked, but never a real one.

But I didn’t want you to have to suffer the same kind of childhood and adolescence I did. I wanted you to be able to play with friends, ride your bicycle outside, and go to parties and field trips. I was never able to do any of those things. I wanted you to have nice clothes; ones you were proud to wear. I didn’t want you to be ashamed of your outfits like I was. I wanted you to have control of your hair length and what you wore, unlike I had.

And I did my best to give you all of that. Your father and I have worked hard to provide you everything you wanted and needed up to a point. We did not want you spoiled, and I don’t think you are.

Rather, I think you’re an amazing young lady. You’re smart, pretty, funny and I think you have a great future ahead of you. I also think we have a great relationship, most of the time. It’s those little time when I have to hold myself at bay that I wanted to write about.

All of those things I never got to do; never got to wear; never got to feel, those resentments have been bottled up in me since I was a child. I was lonely for most of my life until the later part of high school. I was an outcast; in my boys’ jeans, overly long hair, and shy demeanor. My home life was awful, and I reflected that in my daily life. Because my father threatened to kidnap me when he moved out, my mother became overly protective of me and didn’t let me play outside with other kids, and never really let me out of her sight. I was miserable.

To put it plainly, the little girl in me resents the life you have. It’s my heart as a mother to show you life as it was meant to be in God’s eyes. It’s that little girl that gets upset when she sees you having the life she always wanted to have. Truthfully, she’s jealous when you get to have the fun she should have been having.

None of that is your fault. It’s a regrettable part of my history that I cannot erase. God had a plan to redeem all of this just as He is able to redeem all things in Him. He’s using some of it now, helping troubled teens find Jesus and turn to Him while they’re still young.

I want you to know that I am working on it. I am living proof of a completely broken life that Jesus is in the process of redeeming and restoring. He does make all things new, I know that.

And I am praying. I am praying that Jesus would continue to comfort that little girl who wishes her life was more like yours. I’m praying that He continues to show me that the sins of the past stop at this generation. I’m praying that because of Him, you don’t need to go the long way around like I did.

Know also that I am working to pray when I feel those certain feelings pop up. My worst fear would be that you feel anything like I did growing up. The good news is that you already know you’re a princess of the King.


But Jesus said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these." – Matthew 19.14


“I have written to you, children, because you have known the Father. I have written to you who are mature because you know Christ, the one who is from the beginning. I have written to you who are young because you are strong with God's word living in your hearts, and you have won your battle with Satan.” – 1 John 2.14


So you should not be like cowering, fearful slaves. You should behave instead like God's very own children, adopted into his family -- calling him "Father, dear Father." – Romans 8.15

And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.”

DESCRYING FOR THE TRUTH

1. to see (something unclear or distant) by looking carefully; discern; espy:
2. to discover; perceive; detect.


New Year’s resolutions always seem to be a big deal. The newspapers and websites make lists of top resolutions on people’s lists and they broadcast them nice and large for the first week or so of a new year.

I think they do it partly because it’s interesting reading, but perhaps they also post all of this information to make a person feel obligated to make a resolution of their own.

The stores get in on it too. Of course one of the top resolutions every year is to lose weight or get in shape. So, head to your local store and you will find the diet pill, weight-loss shakes and exercise balls all front and center.

Where are the resolutions to discover more about Jesus in the upcoming year? Where are people resolving to know more about the faith they claim to profess? Why aren’t the front of stores full of bibles and devotionals?

The closest the lists seem to get to things that focus on the eternal are: ‘Enjoy life to the fullest.’ ‘Learn something exciting.’ ‘Helping others in their dreams.’ And my favorite, ‘Fall in love.’ If you focus these kinds of resolutions on Jesus, then they can do mighty things for our spirit.

According to studies, 46% of people manage to keep their resolutions six months or more. Those are better odds than I imagined them to be. The studies conclude that the easiest way to maintain a resolution is to want to do what you say you want to do.

So, for me this year it comes down to two things; devote myself to decrying Jesus and the things He cares about, and write more.

It should be obvious that I haven’t written in a year. It started out that I just became too busy and couldn’t find the time to sit down for an hour and write out my thoughts. Then a good old-fashioned case of writer’s block set in. I had the usual symptoms; an enormous white screen staring at me, cursor blinking incessantly in front of me, and either too many words or no words at all wanting to come out.

Now, with a friend’s urging, and a lot of conviction, I have decided to start writing again this year. Words have always thrilled and excited me; and it’s time I got back to using them the way I do best.

This, however, is my first attempt in a long while. So forgive me if this seems choppy or disjointed. A good writer will admit when she's nervous and ask forgiveness in advance. I will write because it gives me joy and I will write because I love Jesus.

So I will write tonight and I will try and descry Jesus on these pages, both for myself and you if you will read this.

I haven't been entirely lazy the past year. I’ve spent a lot of time being a mother and a wife and working with the teenagers that I devote much of my life to. I rejoice with them when they're happy, I cry with them when they're grieved, and throughout everything I tell them about Jesus.

Working with teenagers isn't easy. Especially the teenagers I work with. It's safe to say that many of these girls haven't had easy lives. It really is true that the sins can follow to the third and fourth generations. Very easy for the girls I work with to resign themselves to repeat the lives they know.

So my job is to help them escape the cycle and find out that there's really another way. I started with the basics. In the beginning we looked up Bible verses that pertain to a certain topic and we would discuss together what those verses meant. I wanted to get them used to handling a bible and realizing that it’s not as intimidating as it seems to be. I promised them that no one would ever laugh at their answers, and that the only completely wrong answer would be no answer at all.

After doing that for a while, we moved on to the book of John. We tackled the whole book together, and they started to understand how to read scripture, how to dig into the meaning of verses and chapters, and how to apply the words to their own lives.

I watched as these girls started to understand the bible more and more as we went on. Of course they don’t understand every word, but then again, who does? They started getting braver and answering the questions I gave them with their thoughts, rather than the thoughts they assumed I would want to hear. Then the girls started applying verses to other applications; my chapels, or conversations we were having. They became more and more confident in their abilities and relying on truths they had learned.

Because this is their Senior year, I prayed about the direction God wanted me to go in; what I could leave them with as they went on their way into the world. One girl in particular would probably be going to Afghanistan in just a matter of time, so I really wanted to make sure I stocked their minds and hearts with the Word that would sustain them even in the toughest days.

I settled on the idea of love. God’s amazing love for his children. God’s love for us when we don’t deserve it, God’s passion to hold us throughout all of our days. Love that means that when we give our life to Him, he will always be there.

Doctrine is not something that they can really design to comprehend quite yet. Despite that, I’m continually surprised at how much they really get already. I think it’s easier when the bible isn’t constantly viewed through a certain denomination or doctrinal squabble. It’s different when the bible is viewed through the lens of someone who has had a tough life, assuming there is nothing out there, only to find out that there is someone waiting at the end of the mess who loves them so passionately.

So, I have been focusing on love. When they get to college, or start working, or serve their country, they will find a church and a group of people to study the word with, and there they can learn more meat about the Word. Until then, I felt it was necessary for them to realize that God loves them unconditionally.

Wrapped up in that love is His desire that we live like His children, that they try to live like the saints they are called to be, and that they follow the words given to them.

That won’t always be easy for them. They are immersed in a culture that wants nothing to do with humility, sacrifice or undeserved love.

I know this because I make it a practice to see for myself what goes on around teenagers. I know the popular music and the popular shows they watch. I do this for my own knowledge on what I need to combat. I want to know what is going into their impressionable ears so I can counteract it God’s truth.

What are they hearing? “We’ll be young forever,” “Looking sick and sexified,” “I love the way you lie.” Now if you’re anything like me you’re thinking, ‘Those lyrics aren’t anything new. Suggestive and deceiving music has been around for decades.’ True, but coming from someone (me) who used to listen to some nasty stuff, the music today takes things to a completely new level. Nothing is hidden; nothing is even veiled any more. Sex, having absolutely nothing to do with love, is all out there on the table. And so is the idea that living for today is the only thing that matters. These two ideas combined together make a deadly combination. And it’s almost all you can find to listen to on radio stations that cater to teenagers and young adults.

So what can a person do to help a misguided teen descry Jesus? Give them the truth of His love; His real, unchanging, unending, unconditional love. Jesus’ love is one that never requires them to strip away their morals, their wholeness, or their self-respect in return for a pittance of affection.

“Good is missing in action. Anyone renouncing evil is beaten and robbed. God looked and saw evil looming on the horizon - so much evil and no sign of Justice. He couldn't believe what he saw: not a soul around to correct this awful situation. So he did it himself, took on the work of Salvation, fueled by his own Righteousness. He dressed in Righteousness, put it on like a suit of armor, with Salvation on his head like a helmet, Put on Judgment like an overcoat, and threw a cloak of Passion across his shoulders.” – Isaiah 59:15-17

“I gave them your word; The godless world hated them because of it, Because they didn't join the world's ways, Just as I didn't join the world's ways. I'm not asking that you take them out of the world But that you guard them from the Evil One. They are no more defined by the world Than I am defined by the world. Make them holy - consecrated - with the truth; Your word is consecrating truth.” – John 17:14-17

“So, whatever you do, don't go to sleep at the switch. Pray constantly that you will have the strength and wits to make it through everything that's coming and end up on your feet before the Son of Man.” - Luke 21:36

My strongest desire for these teens? That they descry the truth and love of Jesus Christ through the wily pull of the world trying to tug them down again. Praise God for the victory!

So Captivating He is

Captivate:
1.to attract and hold the attention or interest of, as by beauty or excellence; enchant
2.to attract and hold somebody's attention by charm or other pleasing or irresistible features

ENJOY… take some time and embrace these words.

“O come, Thou Key of David, come, And open wide our heavenly home; Make safe the way that leads on high, And close the path to misery. Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel Shall come to thee, O Israel.”

“Born Thy people to deliver, Born a child and yet a King, Born to reign in us forever, Now Thy gracious kingdom bring. By Thine own eternal Spirit Rule in all our hearts alone; By Thine all sufficient merit, Raise us to Thy glorious throne.”

“Child, for us sinners poor and in the manger, We would embrace Thee, with love and awe; Who would not love Thee, loving us so dearly?” O come, let us adore Him, O come, let us adore Him, O come, let us adore Him, Christ the Lord."

“Children, go where I send thee, How shall I send thee? I'm gonna send thee one by one
One for the little bitty - baby Born, born, born in Bethlehem.”

“Silent night, holy night! Wondrous star, lend thy light! With the angels let us sing
Alleluia to our King! Christ the Saviour is here, Jesus the Saviour is here!”

“Joy to the world, the Lord is come! Let earth receive her King; Let every heart prepare Him room, And Heaven and nature sing, And Heaven and nature sing, And Heaven, and Heaven, and nature sing.”

“Hark the herald angels sing, ‘Glory to the newborn King! Peace on earth and mercy mild
God and sinners reconciled’ Joyful, all ye nations rise Join the triumph of the skies
With the angelic host proclaim: ‘Christ is born in Bethlehem’ Hark! The herald angels sing "Glory to the newborn King!"

“Why lies He in such mean estate, Where ox and ass are feeding? Good Christian, fear: for sinners here, The silent Word is pleading. Nails, spear, shall pierce Him through, The Cross be borne, for me, for you. Hail, hail, the Word made flesh, The Babe, the Son of Mary!”

“A throne in a manger, the cross in a cradle, The hidden revealing this glorious plan;
A child who would suffer, A child who would conquer, The sins of every woman, the sins of every man.”

“We beheld—it is no fable— God incarnate, King of bliss, Swathed and cradled in a stable, And the angel strain was this: Gloria, in excelsis Deo! Gloria, in excelsis Deo!”

“Said the king to the people everywhere, Listen to what I say; Pray for peace, people everywhere! Listen to what I say The Child, the Child, sleeping in the night, He will bring us goodness and light; He will bring us goodness and light.”

“Then let us all with one accord Sing praises to our heavenly Lord, That hath made heaven And earth of naught And with His blood Mankind hath bought. Noel Noel Noel Noel! Born is the King of Israel!”

“Of His government, There will be no end; He'll establish it with His righteousness
He shall reign on David's throne, And His name shall be from this day on; Wonderful, Counselor, Everlasting Father.”

“Mortals, join the mighty chorus, Which the morning stars began; Father love is reigning o'er us, Brother love binds man to man; Ever singing, march we onward, Victors in the midst of strife, Joyful music lifts us Sonward; In the triumph song of life. We sing in Jubilation, adoration to a joyful King, You are spinning and You are singing, Zealous love over all Your children.”

“Made perfect first in love, And sanctified by grace, We shall from earth remove,
And see His glorious face: His love shall then be fully showed, And man shall all be lost in God.”

“With my substance will I honor My Redeemer and my Lord; Were ten thousand worlds my manor, All were nothing to His Word: While the heralds of salvation His abounding grace proclaim, Let His friends, of every station, Gladly join to spread His fame.”

“Sing we all Noel, the gladsome tidings bring Lift our God on high as His praises now we sing. Sing we all Noel, our hearts with love aflame Praising Christ our Savour, we bless His holy name.”

“He made me a watchman Upon the city wall, And if I am a Christian, I am the least of all. Go, Tell It On The Mountain, Over the hills and everywhere; Go, Tell It On The Mountain That Jesus Christ is born.”

“Though the cold grows stronger, Alleluya, Alleluya, Alleluya, Though the world loves night, Yet the days grow longer, Alleluya, Alleluya, Alleluya, Chris is born our Light. Now the Dial's type is learnt, Burns the Bush that is not burnt: War and strife are done; God and man are one.”

“Now to the Lord sing praises, All you within this place, And with true love and brotherhood Each other now embrace; This holy tide of Christmas All other doth deface. O tidings of comfort and joy, Comfort and joy, O tidings of comfort and joy.”

“Jesu, joy of man's desiring, Holy wisdom, love most bright. Drawn by Thee, our souls aspiring , Soar to uncreated light. Word of God, our flesh that fashioned With the fire of life impassioned, Striving still to Truth unknown, Soaring, dying 'round Thy throne.”

“He rules the world with truth and grace, And gives to nations proof The glories of His righteousness, And wonders of His love; And wonders of His love; And wonders, wonders of His love.”

“Truly He taught us To love one another; His law is love and His gospel is peace. Chains shall He break For the slave is our brother And in His name All oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in Grateful chorus raise we, Let all within us Praise His holy name!
Christ is the Lord, Oh praise His name forever, His pow'r and glory evermore proclaim
His pow'r and glory Evermore proclaim.”

“Beautiful Star the hope of rest For the redeemed, the good and the blessed; Yonder in glory when the crown is won, Jesus is now that star divine, Brighter and brighter He will shine, Beautiful Star of Bethlehem, shine on. Oh Beautiful Star (Beautiful, Beautiful Star)
Of Bethlehem (Star of Bethlehem) Shine upon us until the glory dawns, Give us the light to light the way, Unto the land of perfect day; Beautiful Star of Bethlehem, shine on.”

I am captivated by Jesus Christ. I remain captivated by what He accomplished when He came to Earth as a baby. There are no words better than the ones written above to describe this season.

Most of the lyrics above are the ones toward the end; the ones we don’t always get to, or aren’t paying attention to by the time we get there. I found hidden joys and treasures at the bottom of Christmas carols and hymns.

I know it is no coincidence that ‘captivate’ was the last word on my list. I pray that these lyrics and this Baby captivate you this season and this year.

“Holy Jesus, every day Keep us in the narrow way; And, when earthly things are past,
Bring our ransomed souls at last Where they need no star to guide, Where no clouds Thy glory hide.”

Impressed

1 a: to apply with pressure so as to imprint
b: to produce (as a mark) by pressure
c: to mark by or as if by pressure or stamping2 a: to produce a vivid impression of
b: to affect especially forcibly or deeply: gain the admiration or interest of

(Before I get started, I just want to state, for the record, that God’s timing is His own. I have been trying to force this blog entry for days and days, and there was nothing. Obviously because God had something else on His mind.)

When I found that the next word on my list to blog about was ‘impress’ a few connotations came to mind; to be wowed by something, or even to be amazed by an action. So I thought, ‘Okay. Easy enough to be impressed by God. I can write about that.’

However, the Merriam-Webster definition threw a wrench in my thought process; specifically the first three definitions. It did not cross my mind that to be impressed is to be imprinted upon. I must say, that is a much bigger and better definition than I had been prepared to write about.

It is hard to impress a teenager; in any sense of the word. In this world of almost instant gratification and sensory overload, it is challenging, if not virtually impossible, to make a vivid impression on a teen. And to imprint a lasting mark upon the life of a teen, especially a high-risk teen, takes an enormous amount of patience and gentle pressure.

We had our Fall camp at Timber Bay this weekend for the high school kids, about 75 in all. Of the six girls I took up, I have been working with five of them for three years now. At times they have all given me moments of incredibly great joy, and incredibly great frustration.

These kids at camp do not have an easy life. Some are in foster care; some are with just one parent. Some are abused, most are poor, and all are searching for something. Some will find their something in sex, some in drugs, some in crime. For those of us that work in this environment, our hope is that they find their something in Jesus Christ.

So at our camps, we attempt to present Jesus in a straight-forward way that will impact these desensitized teens in order to break through their tough exteriors. We employ loud music, videos and fun games to keep things moving and interesting. We also employ lots of truth.

“You'll remember, friends, that when I first came to you to let you in on God's master stroke, I didn't try to impress you with polished speeches and the latest philosophy. I deliberately kept it plain and simple: first Jesus and who he is; then Jesus and what he did—Jesus crucified.” – 1 Corinthians 2.1

This weekend at camp started out the same as most other camps I have taken these kids to. We had some worship music, followed by a short chapel. The chapel was moving, I have to say. A man, acting as though he was a Roman cross builder, performed a skit about building Jesus’ cross. He spoke about how different Jesus was from the common prisoner who he normally saw crucified. As he spoke, he was actually chopping divots into the wood with a maul. As the chips of wood flew through the air, he spoke about the words and actions of Jesus. After he had placed the two beams of the cross together, he took gigantic spikes out and proceeded to hammer them into the place where Jesus’ hands and feet would have been placed. The maul and the spikes produced sparks when he pounded on them. After the chapel was over, we took our kids back to our cabins and talked about what we had just witnessed. It was a productive conversation and we ended the night on a good note.

The next day we started again. This time we watched a video by a Christian band called Casting Crowns. The song is entitled ‘Slow Fade,’ and it’s about how huge sin progresses from small indiscretions. Then, when we went back to our cabins, we all wrote down our sins on a small piece of yellow paper. The girls struggled with this, but as girls will do, as they shared their papers with each other, they came up with more ideas to write down. As they trust me, they shared their papers with me. Some of the sins were sex, abortion, swearing, cutting, trying to get pregnant, hating God (past sin not repented of), envy and drinking and smoking.

I made no judgments. There is nothing I can accomplish from condemnation except alienation. They know what I have done in my past and my remorse over it. They also know where I stand on all those issues now and what I want for their lives. Great results come from a lot of time, patience and Christ.

Later that night we had another chapel. We sang some songs and then watched a video with just a short portion of The Passion of the Christ. The portion was of Mary Magdalene being forgiven by Jesus, and then Jesus being hammered to the cross and being tossed about on it, with Mary watching in horror. Then, the kids were invited to bring their little yellow paper of sins and nail them to the cross that had been made the night before.

There were a lot of tears from my girls. They have never seen the movie, and so it caught their attention, seeing Jesus all bloody and bruised; hanging there. Walking up to the cross and pounding a nail into it had a great impact. I hung back, watching them. When they returned, they asked me if I was going to go up and nail my sins to the cross. I told them that no other adult leader had gone up so I did not think I was going to. They were not having any of that excuse. I am their leader and as they say, their mom, and they were going to walk me up there to nail my sins into the cross. I had tears in my eyes from their love for me and how gracious God has been to me. Incidentally, after I walked up there, ten other leaders followed my lead.

After everyone had nailed their sins, the leader took them all down and placed them into a container, where he poured symbolic blood over them all. We went back to the cabins in silence, a deep awe and reverence covering the kids.

We talked about the truth that our sins were truly washed away by those sins. Some of the girls were unconvinced that their sins were actually gone until I showed them the scripture verses about re-crucifying Christ by not accepting His forgiveness. Then, one of the girls asked me if I could go with her back to the lodge so she could give her life to Christ under the cross. She cried, I cried. I prayed, she prayed. The angels rejoiced and everyone at the camp rejoiced.

That was my weekend. All of my girls were impressed by Christ. Impressed with His death, impressed with His life. They impressed their sins on His cross and He impressed their hearts with His forgiveness. On at least one heart, He impressed His own image. On other hearts, He refreshed His image with a new imprint. He impressed me with how much He actually loves us, as He continually does.

He impressed upon me the fact that His message is eternally simple, yet eternally consequential.

“I was unsure of how to go about this, and felt totally inadequate—I was scared to death, if you want the truth of it—and so nothing I said could have impressed you or anyone else. But the Message came through anyway. God's Spirit and God's power did it, which made it clear that your life of faith is a response to God's power, not to some fancy mental or emotional footwork by me or anyone else.” – 1 Corinthians 2.3

A Devestating Release


1. To lay waste; render desolate
2: To overwhelm

It is a fair statement that when Jesus Christ to a hold of my life, He devastated me. What I have written about my life bears repeating. My life was in utter shambles. I was living only for myself, despite having a fiancé and two children. Drugs, depression and despondency were the rulers of my life.

It also bears repeating the action that caused me to turn my life over to Jesus. I was in a Catholic church (I was a Catholic in name only) because something had led me there. The priest, in an uncommon sermon, was talking about the fruits of the Holy Spirit. My prayer after his sermon, thought with a faith much smaller than a mustard seed, was; “Ok Lord, if You think You can do better with my life than I have, go ahead. I’ll take all those fruits, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Gal. 5.22-23). I especially needed an extra dose of faithfulness and self-control.

That was it. There was no rejoicing (that I could see). There was no party (on earth). I just happened to surrender my life to someone who would totally transform me forever and ever Amen.

So, here I am, seven and a half years later. A Christian who at best feels lukewarm most days. I continually ask myself and others, what am I doing wrong? What can I do to make things better? In no particular order I have attempted to-pray more, repent more, give more, avoid more, read more, and listen to worship music more. Every said attempt lasts for a little while and then I return back to the place I was.

My best friend told me that she struggles sometimes and God reminds her to, “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46.10) My response, How still do I need to be?

See, my life has been such that I have needed to do things if I wanted to succeed in life. If I wanted to make it to college, I had to push myself. If I wanted a career, I had to make things happen. If I wanted to get off hard drugs, I had to stop. Life was not a spectator sport for me, and thus, neither should be the act of being a better Christian.

Having these thoughts for a while now, I attended a class on “Freedom in Christ.” It is a program designed to break all of the strongholds and lies a person has learned or believed and essentially re-program their lives in a new direction.

There are seven steps. They consist of removing any non-Christian spiritual experiences, learning truth from deception, forgiving, submitting, breaking bondage, being humble rather than prideful and breaking ancestral bondage.

Now, I am in no way discrediting this method of ‘freedom.’ I know that it has worked for many, many people and it breaks chains that people have been carrying around with them their whole lives.

However, for me, it would be another way of attempting to control my relationship with Jesus Christ. I already struggle with trying to get Him to love me more, and these would amount to being a series of hoops to jump through in order to accomplish that goal. I would be ‘going through the motions,’ hoping that the end result would be a better, more fulfilling relationship with God.

I left the seminar with my head in shambles. These were the reasons I was failing at Christianity. These were the reason I felt held in place. I could do something about it!

Oh, so wrong. Sure, there are probably some things that I need to repent of, some spiritual skeletons that need to be aired out. But if I have truly turned my life over to Christ, will He not help with that in His good time if I simply ask for His help? That is what I have been loathe to do.

It all became clearer to me when my friend showed me a video. It is by the author of a book entitled, “TrueFaced.” I had read the book several years ago, but apparently I had not been ready for that truth then. I am now.

In the book and video he speaks of two rooms, The Room of Good Intentions and The Room of Grace. The names should explain what they hold. Good Intentions has the people that are like I was, constantly striving to put on a good face for Jesus, to always promise Him that we’ll try harder. Grace was the room where we realize that we are sinners in need of help, but realizing that God loved us when He sought us, and that we need only to make the effort of resting in His love and pleasure in us and trusting Him to work on our sin together.

Since I have been devastated by Jesus so many years ago, I have wanted to make Him proud of me and worthy of the name He gave to me. I failed to realize that He has taken me as is. The enemy has tried to devastate me by believing I could never be good enough to warrant Jesus’ love as is.

So, as in all things, I have a choice. To continue with my personal status quo-spinning in ever-widening circles trying to get closer to a God who is already here, or falling into His arms and trusting that we can get through all of this together.

‘How still’ is still enough to feel Him all around me and coursing through my veins and realizing that He trusts me with His name because He made me and He will not let me fail. I can force myself to fail, but in Him, I cannot. He trusts me with His name because He’s crazy about me. If He can trust me with His name, can I not trust Him with our relationship?

Paul could not lovingly admonish me any better:

“Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God's Message to you? Are you going to continue this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you weren't smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it? Did you go through this whole painful learning process for nothing? It is not yet a total loss, but it certainly will be if you keep this up! Answer this question: Does the God who lavishly provides you with his own presence, his Holy Spirit, working things in your lives you could never do for yourselves, does he do these things because of your strenuous moral striving or because you trust him to do them in you?” Galatians 3.2-5

Murmuring to myself


1: a half-suppressed or muttered complaint: grumbling
2 a: a low indistinct but often continuous sound b: a soft or gentle utterance
3: an atypical sound of the heart typically indicating a functional or structural abnormality


I am not going to do any research to write this blog tonight. I am going to write this from the heart, from which I have been hearing atypical sounds.

No, I am not having heart trouble; at least not heart trouble that requires a doctor. Rather, I am having heart troubles trying to reconcile two sides of myself that at first glance appear to be diametrically opposed.

A good friend said something to me today that has been resonating in my head and heart since she said it. I had said to her that I thought I was destined to work in food service for the rest of my life. I made that comment because I had went on a job interview the week prior for a food service position. I was again in a desperate search to find anything to get me out of the janitor profession I have found myself in for the past four years. As I had been in food service since the age of fourteen, it seemed like a logical choice to return to the scene of the crime as it were and fulfill my destiny.

It was not to be. I did not get the job, and again found myself with toilet brush in hand. This is where the friend appeared with sage words for my broken heart. She said that when she heard me say that food service was my destiny, she thought otherwise. She said that she had always thought that writing was my destiny.

Her statement caused me to pause. Immediately my brain began to race on the track it has been on for years. Every single aptitude test, every personality test, every person I have met has come to the same conclusion; that I should be a writer. (If this is your first time reading my blog, try some other selections that perhaps could back up said claim. This may be gibberish.)

The funny thing? I know all of this. I hear God tell me to buckle down and write ALL THE TIME. However, I come up with objections to His prompting all the time as well. ‘In this economy, who can afford to buy a book?’ ‘I don’t deal well with rejection,’ ‘What would possess people to read what I have to write?’ and most importantly, ‘What would I write about?’

That last question is what is causing the heart murmur. For starters, God has written a remarkable story of His grace and mercy with my life. (See prior blog postings for details.) Secondly, I have two passions in life, both of which I have come to believe are fueled by God. My first passion is Jesus. My life for the past nine years has been spent getting to know Him, worshipping Him, and continually praising Him. He has given me a desire to introduce Him to people who would otherwise feel left out of ‘traditional’ Christianity.

My second passion is politics. Now the word politics is a mouthful of a word that conjures up many ideas, thoughts and yes, even prejudices. I am well aware of that, and yet the passion persists. I reflect on a passage from the Talmud, “God made people because God loves stories.”

I reflect on what the psalmist had to say about idols, “The idols of the nations are silver and gold, made by the hands of men. They have mouths, but cannot speak, eyes, but they cannot see; they have ears, but cannot hear, nor is there breath in their mouths. Those who make them will be like them and so will all who trust in them.” Psalm 135: 15-18

I reflect on what Russian writer and poet Boris Pasternak wrote, “It is not revolutions and upheavals that clear the road to new and better days, but someone’s soul inspired and ablaze.”

I have been attempting to reconcile my two passions for a while now. I have struggled to remove myself from the political landscape, only to fail miserably. Instead, I have been tempering politics with a healthy and steady dose of Jesus. Thus enters the final murmuring.

I hear Jesus in the nightly news. I hear His truths and message unwittingly mixed into commentaries and speeches. I also hear His truths being distorted by people who would call His message old or intolerant.

So, how many people are being led astray by politics in these shortened and increasingly evil days? How many people hear the news and the politicians speak and despair?

Personally, I think it would be irresponsible to ignore what is going on in the world and continually focus inward. We all need to know the truth that is being spoken, and the truth that is hiding behind the lies.

Finally, I reflect on some things that Jesus said to His disciples as He was preparing to be crucified. He told them some things to focus on how life would be after He left them.

"If you love me, obey my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor, who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world at large cannot receive him, because it isn't looking for him and doesn't recognize him. But you do, because he lives with you now and later will be in you.” John 14.15-17

I like the way The Message version of the Bible phrases these next verses:
"Judas (not Iscariot) said, "Master, why is it that you are about to make yourself plain to us but not to the world?" "Because a loveless world," said Jesus, "is a sightless world. If anyone loves me, he will carefully keep my word and my Father will love him - we'll move right into the neighborhood! Not loving me means not keeping my words. The message you are hearing isn't mine. It's the message of the Father who sent me. John 14.22-24

"I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid.” John 14.27

Jesus tells those of us who believe that we have the Holy Spirit to guide us. He tells us that the world at large cannot receive Him because it does not recognize Him. He tells us that our loveless world is a sightless world. He tells us that our peace is not as the ‘peace’ the world provides.

And so it goes. I find myself not grumbling as one of the definitions for murmur lists, but rather listening to the soft and gentle utterances I am hearing, and sharing them with whoever chooses to listen.

“For the grace of God has been revealed, bringing salvation to all people. And we are instructed to turn from godless living and sinful pleasures. We should live in this evil world with self-control, right conduct, and devotion to God, while we look forward to that wonderful event when the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be revealed. He gave his life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us his very own people, totally committed to doing what is right.
You must teach these things and encourage your people to do them, correcting them when necessary. You have the authority to do this, so don't let anyone ignore you or disregard what you say.” Titus 2.11-14

Shout to the Lord

1: to utter a sudden loud cry
2: to command attention as if by shouting
3: to utter in a loud voice


There have been a lot of things shouting for my attention lately. In fact, all of the shouting has distracted me to the point of paralysis; I haven’t been able to blog in three months! (Thanks gentle friend for the reminder) I feel like I’ve been taking in news and messages from all sides, and unable to stop and process, or ponder what all of this news means to my life. Be prepared, this is going to be a big one.

I have been busy dealing with my own family. My daughter, who is in middle school (sheesh), is dealing with common middle school crises. She is a good girl, but not impervious to the immorality that seems to confront her far too often. She has serious questions that shout at me and I need to take to prayer in order to answer. In addition, I have to make sure my husband is taken care of and my son is growing up to be a good, decent young man.

I have a ministry that I work for; Timber Bay. There I minister for, pray for, and worry about ten young ladies that need love, care and Jesus. Their problems, which are very serious, shout at me for immediate attention. I slowly feed them the milk of the Gospel, praying fervently that God uses my words to reach their fragile hearts.

I listen to a daily radio talk show that discusses world events and where we seem to be headed. Fortunately, or unfortunately for me, the commentator is an extensive reader, as am I. Because I find his show so accurate and fascinating, I tend to read all of his suggestions. I just finished Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, which is 1069 pages. It took me a week to complete the work.

And then there is the world news. I am completely and utterly addicted to Fox News and biblical prophecy. Both of those make for a daunting combination. I am convinced that Jesus will return soon, and each news headline reaffirms that on a daily basis. A small example:

Over 100,000 Certificates of De-Baptism have been downloaded from a Secular Society website. Said the President of the organization, "The growing amount of interest in the concept of de-baptism indicates that people are not just indifferent to religion, but are actually becoming quite hostile to it."

Stories about Israel are all over the news; “US says Jerusalem to be Capital of Palestine.” “Iran tests a missile that can reach Israel,” “Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu will not stand for Iran provocation.” “Scotland to boycott Israel.” I could go on and on for pages about this subject.

Add to this equation the President, the economy, the environment, the declining birthrate, the radical decisions made by our government and I have a lot of things shouting for my attention.

“So, Romans 323 girl, where is God in this mess?’ Good question.

I know Jesus Christ. I met Him when my life was at the very worst point it could sink to. I was literally at the end of my rope and losing my grip. He saved me; He dusted me off and raised me up. I know Jesus Christ.

Jesus lost my attention lately. Jesus isn’t shouting for me to look at Him, to see what new things He’s doing. He doesn’t shout when I hear my children praying to Him, singing Him songs of worship, squealing with delight over the sunset He’s created. He doesn’t shout when He answers the prayers of my Timber Bay girls, when He shows up in their lives, when His word finally resonates in their hearts. He doesn’t shout when a plump red strawberry peeks its head out in my garden.

And why should He? He is the Author and Creator of all these things. I know that. It’s so frightfully easy to forget sometimes. I forget that He doesn’t need to shout. He’s God.

Don’t misunderstand me, I know Jesus can shout. He shouted with all He had on Calvary’s Hill, didn’t he? Without hardly saying a word.

He shouldn’t have to shout to get my attention now. He captured it that day six years ago when He changed my life.

Everyone who proclaims Christ as their Lord and Savior knows some simple truths. God is in control of all these situations. He is going to return to get us when it’s time. He loves us and holds us in His hands, no matter what the conditions appear to be at that moment. He hears us when we pray and cries when we cry.

When Jesus was wooing me, He led me to the Parable of the Great Banquet. It spoke to my heart; because I was one of the crippled, the poor; crippled in the heart, poor in Spirit. I think this Parable can be analogous to the disinterest I have been suffering from lately. I have found excuses in the shouting clatter to ignore the only One who can truly invite me to sit with Him. I have to remember that I was someone in an alley that He was interested in inviting to feast. From Luke 14.15-23:

When one of those at the table with him heard this, he said to Jesus, "Blessed is the man who will eat at the feast in the kingdom of God."
Jesus replied: "A certain man was preparing a great banquet and invited many guests.
At the time of the banquet he sent his servant to tell those who had been invited, 'Come, for everything is now ready.'
"But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said, 'I have just bought a field, and I must go and see it. Please excuse me.'
"Another said, 'I have just bought five yoke of oxen, and I'm on my way to try them out. Please excuse me.'
"Still another said, 'I just got married, so I can't come.'
"The servant came back and reported this to his master. Then the owner of the house became angry and ordered his servant, 'Go out quickly into the streets and alleys of the town and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind and the lame.'
“‘Sir,' the servant said, 'what you ordered has been done, but there is still room.'
"Then the master told his servant, 'Go out to the roads and country lanes and make them come in, so that my house will be full.
I tell you, not one of those men who were invited will get a taste of my banquet.' "

But I’ll leave these thoughts with one more thought from the only words that truly have eternal value; one day Jesus will come shouting, and no one will miss it. It will be another invitation to feast. From Revelation 19.6-9

Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude, like the roar of rushing waters and like loud peals of thunder, shouting:
"Hallelujah!
For our Lord God Almighty reigns.
Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory!
For the wedding of the Lamb has come,
and his bride has made herself ready.
Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear."
Then the angel said to me, Write: 'Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!' “And he added, "These are the true words of God."

Heaven awaits us! For those who believe, He is coming! These are the only things worth shouting for, and I know it. Jesus Christ deserves to be front and center of my life every day for the rest of eternity! Good words, if I can remember them. What I need to do is to listen for Jesus’ silent shouts; in my children, in the skyline, in my garden, in my Spirit. That is the food that needs to sustain me until I get to the feast.

"Nishmat kol chai tivarech et SHIMCHA."
(The breathing of all life praises your Name)

Whisper:
To speak with soft, hushed sounds, using the breath, lips, etc., but with no vibration of the vocal cords.
To produce utterance substituting breath for phonation.
To talk softly and privately.
(of trees, water, breezes, etc) To make a soft, rustling sound

It has taken me a long time to get around to writing about this word. I am not one who whispers much, so tailoring a ‘message’ around the word is a challenge. Never one to walk away from a challenge, I have shut up long enough to hear God speak.

YHWH, the original name of our Lord, spoken first to Moses in Exodus 3.15, “This is my Name forever and this is my memorial, the Name by which I am to be remembered by, from generation to generation for all generations."

It is impossible to speak the Word. With no vowels, nothing to form a word around with your mouth, the best one can do is breathe the name of the Lord. It’s not a name formed from English, Hebrew, Greek, or Arab. Rather, it is in a breath, which is a universal language of all living creatures.

Spoken most eloquently by Rabbi Arthur Waskow, “It is unpronounceable in my view not because we are forbidden to pronounce it, but because if one tries to do so, pronouncing these four strange letters (semi-vowels, semi-consonants; linguists call them aspirate consonants) WITHOUT any vowels, one simply breathes. The real Name is BEYOND pronunciation, unless you consider breathing pronunciation.”

Our Heavenly Father has a proper name, which is used 6823 times in the Old Testament, which cannot be shouted. His name speaks for itself without a need for exclamation. His renown is all the exclamation that is needed.

Those familiar with the Bible know the story of Elijah Elijah is feeling worthless and that the work he has done for the Lord was in vain. The Lord tells Elijah to go stand on the mountain because the Lord is about to pass by. A mighty wind passes by, but the Lord is not in the wind. A great earthquake comes, but the Lord is not in the earthquake. A fire appears, but the Lord is not in the fire. Then, a gentle blowing arrives, and the Lord is there.

The beauty of this story is that the Lord could have chosen to appear in all the mighty ways detailed, but He chose to show His glory in a gentle wind. He was the whisper of the wind through the trees.

Now, taking these things into consideration, do I really want the Lord to speak to me? I find myself surrounded by noise constantly. My husband and children speak to me, taking much of my attention. The television and radio occupy my eardrums, the computer my eyes and my brain. I find it almost unsettling to spend too much time in quiet. I justify it by telling myself I am great at multi-tasking, which is true to a point. But if the Lord will not shout…

Some people do not have this struggle, to which I am envious. However, for those people, and for myself if I discipline myself to the quiet, there are still some factors to consider:

Am I emotionally prepared to hear from the Lord? Will I be able to know it is Him? Am I ready for what He may have to say to me? Will I be interjecting my own thoughts and opinions into what I hear? Can I stand to hear the Truth?

Am I physically prepared to hear from the Lord? That may seem odd, but am I able to focus on clearing my head, not to ever leave it open and vulnerable, but in a place where I can meditate on the Lord alone? Can I calm down my hectic state long enough to wait on the Lord, rather than carving out an allotted time for Him?

Finally, am I spiritually prepared to hear from the Lord? Do I know His word well enough to know if what I am hearing is Truth? Again, can I recognize Him and not interject my own thoughts and call them His? Will I be able to handle it?

Perhaps I am alone on this, and everyone else has this figured out, but I think otherwise. If more of us were attuned to the Lord’s voice, we would be able to speak out more ourselves in the pure confidence He would be giving us. I know on the few occurrences I have heard from the Lord, it has been amazing and true. It is my fault I do not do it more.

I know if we were to hear from the Lord, we would be able to speak out against the horrid blaspheme going on in the media and on the streets these days. It is impossible not to hear our new president being called ‘the savior’ and ‘the messiah.’ It should and does send our spirits into utter revulsion. We know we have only one Savior and one Messiah, and it is certainly not our president. If we are the body, what are we doing?

It is being said on a daily basis that the president will rescue not only the country, but the world. He will bring peace, prosperity, love. All we have to do is watch, support and obey. And I do not consider any of that to be an exaggeration. Read the paper, watch the news. Listen to the radio.

I think it is high time for us to tune into the whispers of YHWH. He may be starting to reveal Himself in high definition to non-believers, but I believe He has something to whisper to His children now. The Hebrew word ‘meditate’ means to mumble whisper or reflect aloud. That sounds like the perfect conversation to have with our YHWH.

“My holy name I will make known in the midst of My people Israel; and I will not let My holy name be profaned anymore. And the nations will know that I am the Lord, the Holy One in Israel.” Ezekiel 39.7

“For My own sake, for My own sake, I will act; for how can My name be profaned? And My glory I will not give to another. Listen to me, O Jacob, even Israel whom I called; I am He, I am the first, I am also the last.” Isaiah 48.10-12

“Then those who feared Yahweh spoke with one another; Yahweh heeded and heard them, and a book of remembrance was written before him of those who feared Yahweh and thought on his name.” Malachi 3.16

There Will Be A Day

Wonder
1 a: a cause of astonishment or admiration: marvel
2: the quality of exciting amazed admiration
3 a: rapt attention or astonishment at something awesomely mysterious or new to one's experience b: a feeling of doubt or uncertainty

It was on the ride to the funeral home that the song by Jeremy Camp came on the radio. The sky was dreary, as was my mood. We were going to say our final good-bye to one of the strongest pillars; the foundation of my life; my grandmother. I and my family had spent the previous day attending her wake. It was a long, painful day, full of tears and grief. This day, we were heading to the funeral home to pray over her, close her casket and take her to church one last time.

To aid in my healing, and to take you on a brief journey of the woman who helped raise me as another of her daughters, I will share with you the lyrics of the song, “There Will Be A Day.”

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab

My relationship with my own mother was a distressed one to put it mildly. She spiraled into a deep depression after my father left us, and she did not do well with single parenting. My grandmother picked up some of the strain by taking me into her home quite a bit. It was there I was able to find comfort, solace, and love. I would wake up to the smell of eggs and bacon cooking, and my grandfather saying, “Hey kid, are you every going to get up?” Life there seemed more normal.

The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

My grandmother took me on trips with her; allowing me to escape from the horrors that were my life at home. She took me to Disney World with my youngest aunt, who became more like a sister to me than anything. I have pictures of her and I with clown make-up, which I’m sure disguises the pain I suffered from at the time. My grandmother took me to see caves with marvelous sights and took me to wonderful hotels and a restaurant on the side of a hill where I ate food I had never heard of. When I was in Junior High School, she took me to Iowa, where we explored colleges I might attend. She helped me believe there could be life for me beyond the trouble I saw all around me.

And even though I moved away from my home state, onto a life of my own, I never stopped loving the woman who helped that to happen. Now she was gone. Forever. I could never tell her again how much she meant to me, how much she did for me.

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

It was my grandmother who I watched live her life with a stoic grace that I have always attempted to emulate. She was pragmatic; she was strong; stronger than anyone I had ever known. She bore the pain of shingles without sharing much of her pain, even though it was excruciating. And when she was diagnosed with lung cancer, she would hardly allow anyone to grieve for her. “It is what it is,” she would tell me. And when I told her I had many people praying for her, she said, “Thanks, I need all the help I can get.”

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

It was my grandmother’s face I saw when I awoke from a coma two Decembers ago. She was standing at the end of my hospital bed, looking down at me. My mother was there too, a weepy mess. But my grandmother was not crying, she was looking at me as if to tell me I could overcome this obstacle in my life, as I had overcome so much more already. She stayed in that hospital for two weeks, only leaving once to go eat with my husband. Otherwise, she slept in the family waiting areas, holding vigil for the granddaughter she loved so much.

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you're walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you've walked out all alone

As I mentioned before, it was my grandmother who helped me escape my past and move onto my future. I had decided to go to college in Minnesota. She was the one who got on a plane with me to an airport 40 miles away, and then drove a rental car to Winona. Together we saw the beautiful valleys, the majestic bluffs that surrounded the college town. She took me to meet the professors and the people that would award me my scholarships. She looked upon me with such pride; I knew I could never fail her.

Troubled soul don't lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that's in store
Outweighs the hurt of life's sting

But I did. I strayed from college, turning for a while to drugs to ease the pain of life. She would talk to me from time to time, asking me when I was going to get back up and start over. She rejoiced when I finally did, sending me the most beautiful card when I got married, a card that spoke to me that she understood my relationship with Jesus, and that she celebrated that joy with me. She rejoiced again when I graduated from college, 10 years later, and lamented her hurt leg that would not allow her to come and celebrate with me.

I can't wait until that day where the very one I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing

I began to grieve for my grandmother when she had a stroke. Even though it had ravaged her, she still held an inner strength and dignity I pray I will have when my days come to a close. This time, I was the one standing over her hospital bed, telling her that she too could overcome this obstacle.

And she did, too. She went home, where there is no more suffering, no more pain, and no more grief. I pray she knew in her heart how much of an affect she had on this one life, what an impact she had for good that branches off into shoots that are her grand-grandchildren. There will be a day I will be able to tell her this, I know.

He'll wipe away the tears. He'll wipe away the tears. He'll wipe away the tears.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” – Revelation 21.4