Closer

I went to a Christian music festival a few weeks ago for the sole purpose of seeing one artist; Shawn McDonald. I have been drawn to his music from the first time I heard it a couple of years ago. I like it because of the melody and the rapid-fire way he says portions of his lyrics. But I am drawn to it because he sings from a deep well that resides within him.

I checked out his story; troubled childhood, drugs, destitution. He cried out to God and God answered him in a profound way. As God did when I cried out to Him. I can appreciate the blunt honesty that I find in Shawn’s work.

So, I went because I had never heard him live and I wanted to check out the experience. I went close to the stage when he came on; because I wanted to be in the music, rather than in my lawn chair hundreds of yards back.

He sang some of his popular songs, and a few new ones. Then he performed the song ‘Closer.’ I must have listened to that song hundreds of times before I heard him perform it live. It never gets old for me. I like the message in the song and I like the way it is arranged.

So, I’m up close to the stage when the song begins;

Looking for a color in a shade of gray

Looking for love in a drop of rain

Trying to find change from the old mundane

Everything I do just feels the same

Spending my life out in the desert

Been gone so long feels like forever

I have been seeking a change from the mundane for a while now. I feel like I am resting in my life with Christ rather than actively seeking Christ and reaching out as His arms. I don’t feel this way in my ministry with Timber Bay. I can see the Holy Spirit alive and well when I am with them. We finished a bible study on the book of Revelation last week and while none of us felt a complete understanding of the book, we did do a lot of searching and seeking into God. As many of my girls graduate, I have been working on a Devotional to give them when they go to college in the fall. None of the ones in the bookstores seem to apply, so I am writing my own.

Anyhow, it’s the rest of my spiritual life that is feeling lackluster. Far too introspective and not enough sacrificially giving of myself. So, in response my prayer life begins to dry up and I start feeling like I’m in the desert too.

I just want to be closer to you

I just want to be closer, I am yours

You can have all of me anything, everything

I just want to be closer

The Teen Challenge Choir was at the festival that day as well. They had performed in the morning and hung out for the rest of the day. There were several people in their Teen Challenge shirts up by the stage when I was standing there. I was watching them raise their arms to God while singing these lyrics and I was devastated. It will never stop amazing me how God can bring lives full circle into what He desires for them. Shawn McDonald was living a life of destruction and God redeemed him for His glory. The Teen Challenge people and I were able to relate to him because God had redeemed us from a life of destruction as well.

A day without you is a thousand years

A day without you is a million tears

Tell me why do I run when I am in fear

Why do I run when you are so near

Spending my life out in the weather

Been gone so long and I need some shelter

My days without Christ were a thousand years and a million tears. I was cleaning out my room the other day and I saw some pictures from my ‘old life.’ I looked at my son as a baby and realized how much of his life I missed. I was there, but I wasn’t really there. I’ll never get those days back. My primal instinct is still to run when I dig too deep; to run in fear from true redemption when He’s already here. I still feel sometimes like I’m on the precipice of God turning away from me because I’m not what He was expecting.

Where ever you go

Where ever you are

I just want be there with you

I just want to be closer to you

I just want to be closer

I am yours

You can have all of me anything everything

I just want to be closer

I just want to be closer to you
I just want to be closer

I am yours

You can have all of me anything, everything

I just want to be closer

So I’m up by the stage, singing along with Shawn and the crowd. The Teen Challenge people are singing and worshipping and it moves me. I watch my daughter worship and it tears me up. God’s redeeming power and love tears me up. As I’m singing the chorus lyrics I feel God trying to impress on me some hard truths that I’ve still been thinking about since that day at the fest.

‘Do you really mean what you’re singing?’ “Are you willing to give Me all of you?’ Are they just lyrics that sound good, or am I willing to surrender so completely that I turn myself over to God in order to truly be closer to Him?  Will I do whatever it takes?

Well, the answer from my Spirit was such an intense shower of tears that my daughter’s friend was starting to get concerned. But for me, it was a washing away of myself and my flesh and a turning toward my Creator. I really do want Him to have everything of me. I’m sick of calling myself a Christian and not living it the way I feel it should be lived. I’m tired of being comfortable and I want to be uncomfortable and completely His. I’m sick to death of thinking that the days are getting shorter and shorter and I’m not doing everything I can to further His name.

My conclusion to all of this is this; God redeemed me from a life of complete hell. I was on the edge of destruction in all of my relations and quite possibly my life. I have no other option then to give Him everything and anything because none of it’s mine anyway.

Looking for a color in the shade of gray

Looking for love in a drop of rain

Without being closer to Christ, without giving Him everything and holding nothing back, it is truly a life of looking for wholeness that I will never find. Ultimately, I just want to be closer.